My first encounter with a freedom fighter: Gopalan Nair of Ulliyeri

Most of us were born after India attained Independence and hence not aware of the hardships freedom fighters had to undergo. I had only read about freedom struggle and the contribution of many who rallied behind Gandhiji to oust the British rulers.

Hence, it was a memorable experience for my family to be with the 94-year old Gandhian KN Gopalan Nair in Kozhikode. One of his sins, according to the British was his involvement in destroying a bridge in Ulliyeri, now an upcoming town in Kozhikode. The Briish rulers were using the bridge to transport coal from Wayanad forests which they got from burning the trees.

Now staying with his daughter Sarala, Gopalan Nair is bed-ridden and needs help to walk. I found that age may have withered his body but that hasn't weakened his mind. He continues to inspire the younger generation- school children, politicians, ministers and people from all walks of life drop in ocassionally to spend time with him, get inspired and learn first hand the hardships he had to undergo in Bellary jail while national leaders were imprisoned for taking part in Quit India struggle.

He continues to monitor developments in Indian politics but I couldn't discuss it with him as he needs to lie down more often and is comfortable talking while sitting. A true Gandhian, he wore only simple khadi clothes which he urged his wife also to follow.

His family members said he always fought against injustice and that was evident when he fell flat before a bus to protest against splashing muddy water at him and careless driving.

All the fighters involved in the Ulliyeri brdige episode are no more except Gopalan Nair. I wish our school and college students could meet up with such leaders and see, learn about people whom they may have read about only in text books. In Gopalan Nair, we have a true Gandhian who had the opportunity to meet Gandhi several times and lived and preached his ideals.

For him, being part of the Congress and freedom movement was an inspiration so much so he quit studies at school while several of his contemporaries may have remained on the sidelines and chose to lead uneventful lives.

As I sat before him, I was thinking if I were born at that time, would I have taken the risk and joined the freedom struggle or simply be on the sidelines.

The mark of a true leader is the vision and ability to take risks, suffer hardships and plunge headlong into it amidst uncertainties.

India is what it is because of their efforts and several challenges of slow economic growth we overcame post Independence. As we were about to leave, I was indeed touched when he asked when are you people coming next.  (I didn't want to take a photo of him in his present state, therefore only showing a citation from Mathrubhumi presented in his honour : Mahatmaji and Mathrubhumi 75 years

Why men fall into love, an exploration into its mysteries

I had written in an earlier blog post that I never believed in marriage. But much before that I was afraid of falling in love! I had a philosopher friend in Ajith during our PG days at Kerala University. He often quoted Osho Rajneesh and other gurus and said falling in love is like catching the tail of a leopard- you suffer even if you hold it or leave it. When you fall in love- if you marry then you still run into trouble or if you don't you suffer the pangs of separation.

In college days, I always delighted in watching pretty girls and wished some of them admired me but never wanted to fall in love. Yet, it was amusing to watch friends and classmates falling in love. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't escape that experience and suffered on that count for at least a few months when I knew it will not work out.

Is there any reason for men falling in love and what really happens after that? The phenomenon of love is still a mystery for many and literature, art,films,drama all explore various aspects of it and it never ends because there is an aura of mystery surrounding it every one may not grasp.

There is a biological reason behind it: Unless a man and woman fall in love and decide to stay together, there will not be offsprings and mankind will not sustain. Anthropologically speaking, the sustenance of mankind was related to the ability of people to fall in love and maintain a family life. Scientists say that a hormone called oxytocin is produced when two people fall in love- even gazing at some one can release this hormone or thinking about them. That is why couples who can't get intimate are given doses of synthetically produced oxytocin to stimulte the brain into falling in love.

So the next time you blame some one for falling into love, remember it is the powerful hormone oxytocin, a neuro transmitter in the brain that is doing the trick. Research into love has generated very interesting insights in this area:

- Men are naturally attracted to pretty women because they find in them a potential to give birth to a beautiful off spring.

-I remember an interesting cover story in Mirror magazine published from Mumbai (now closed down) long time back titled- Should you marry a pretty woman? It said probability of failures in marriage are more in pretty women than average women. I think it works this way- if the man who has married the pretty women is low in self esteem and turns out to be a bad partner- chances are that there are several others in line waiting to grab the treasure! A low self esteemed person is also likely to be more possessive and hence cause marital problems. It could happen in the case of a handsome man and an average woman also.

- It is also said that man can't hide the fact that they are in love: either they start singing, or show visible changes in body language, appearance or even announce unknowingly to those close to them. Here again, anthropology provides some clues: From ancient times, man's status was dependent on attracting the opposite sex and the fairer the better - this boosts his self esteem among his peers and establishes his masculinity. On the other hand women then and now had to be careful not to announce such things until it can be formalised. These days man need not show this kind of masculinity but may be it's a vestige of our hunter-gatherer days.

-Are Indians sex thirsty? I remember reading a provoking cover story in Sunday magazine long time back which said Indian men whether married or not were sex thirsty. There are several reasons why it could be true although the story evoked mixed response from the readers at that time. We are not a permissive society as in the west and hence it is quite natural for men to look for pleasures beyond their wives. Aligned to this is the question whether there can be platonic relationship between a man and women devoid of sex? There are still no clear answers to this- a woman still need to guess when a man shows closeness- whether it's intended for physical needs or just for friendship. That's one reason why daughters right from high school levels are often told to be cautious while dealing with the opposite sex.

- Is there an age to fall in love: Again there are no minimum or maximum age limits. I remember a friend of mine at school falling in love in fifth grade (10 years) with his classmate, sustaining it till college and eventually marrying and now possibly leading a happy life. On the other hand you can also find people like Digvijay Singh, an Indian minister falling in love with a much younger woman at the age of 67. And he has been charged with adultery.

- Love triangles and extra-marital affairs: Films, novels, dramas have all dealt with this theme in various ways that I don't want to analyse it here. However, marriage as an institution is a human creation and in pre-historic times it was likely that couples had multiple partners but as evolutionary changes took place for better upkeep of offspring, their growth and development- mankind had to stick to single partners and it has been legalised in many countries. But the urge to move out of the boundary and explore can't be contained that easily. It accentuates when either partner feels an inadequacy in the relationship and soon all problems begin to crop up. That's why psychologists say it's very important to retain romance.

- The jilted lovers: Again literature and cinema abounds in this- some times jilted lovers remain chronic bachelors all their suffering the pangs of a dream that didn't turn out to be true. Others who marry someone else also retain memories of their old sweet hearts that continue to haunt them. I remember several films where the dejected lover sings a song as his former sweet heart goes off with the bride groom after the wedding function.But the better option is for the dejected lover to be far away so that memories aren't evoked and make his present married life miserable.

As I have said before in my blog, Bhagwan Rajneesh has likened love to the ultimate Truth. When two people fall in love- that's truth, but thereafter when they start thinking in terms of marriage,caste-religion problems, live-in relationships or start getting worried on parental approval-reality sets in.
Often it is painfall for both the partners. Wishing all luck to lovers!

Zumba: The zest for health, beauty and happiness!

Haven't you heard the popular quote: If wealth is lost nothing is lost, if health is lost something is lost, if character is lost everything is lost. All round the world you find people running after wealth ignoring the the other two vital things and end up in a miserable state by middle age-- a rotund figure,bulging stomachs, weak muscles and skin texture. To compound it all you have several negative things popping up on your vital medical tests- cholesterol, blood sugar, blood pressure, heart rate, triglycerides and it is the begining of all traumas that are going to affect them for the rest of their life.

Then people start trying out several things- dieting, exercise, hitting the gym, doing aerobics, or simply taking push-ups and dumb bells at home. These no doubt burn calories but may not be adding to your fitness. Unscientific dieting techniques can create several health and nutrition problems, add to stress and ultimately lead to more fat in your body.

Here comes Zumba!
Zumba, zumba, zumba, zumba,zumba, zumba, zumba ye, zumba aaaa....if this fast number you can see in YouTube makes you hit the floor and swing, then zumba is really for you. It combines aerobics, free style dance, rhythmic body movements, and no pressure to conform to any set basic rules. Dance, apart from being an artform is also useful for right-brain left brain co-ordination and attaining symmetry. Aerobics has already been proven to be best way to burn out calories and combine that with rigorous physical exertion, music and fun-- an enchanting cocktail.

I was not very enthusiastic when my wife Aswathy was keen to join for Zumba at The Floor September 2013. Our daughter Diyah was already there for ballet classes under Maria Roy.

No appreciable change was seen in the first few months but towards the sixth month people started noticing the change in her- our son Darshan's class teacher said your mom looks like your elder sister. Her photos on Facebook attracted hundreds of 'wovs' and the latest one 'High on Happiness with Zumba' was posted in The Floor FB page thanks to her Zumba mentor Arunima Gupta with more comments and likes pouring in. Not to be left out, Maria Roy,Arunima and Aswathy have been urging me to take to the Floor!

Seeing the new look Aswathy several skeptics of Zumba have now become zumba fans with several more likely to follow. One is our former neighbour, Jayasree, a bank manager who rushes from her busy office schedule to be at The Floor by 7.30 pm three days a week for the one-hour workout. Chubby Nitin, a student of catering at Wayanad has also hit the floor recently and is amazed by the change it brings. He says one hour at The Floor is equivalent to six to seven hours work out at the Gym. Jayasree who was quite scary of her poor dancing skills found that no body had the time to look into her faults, you just fall in line seeing what others do.

From early morning itself The Floor at Panampilly Nagar comes live with mentors Arunima, Govind, Poornima all creating a passion for men and women of all ages to be young, healthy, beautiful which all rubs on their character and outlook. In the mean time, just saw an FB post : Beauty catches the attention, but character catches the heart.

For all those interested in Zumba: The Floor, Canal Road, Panampilly Nagar is waiting for you. Contact info: Arunima Gupta 9747640575 or on Facebook: The Floor. Additionally, Aswathy Visweswaran, ZIN has now co-founded Beats 'n' Steps to promote Zumba fitness. You may contact her on aswathydiyah@gmail.com or Mob-9744954607

Apple: Perhaps the only brand that consumers own

Brand signifies value and that's one reason why people spend more to buy a branded product. You can think of Sony, Nike, Benz, Ford, Xerox..... In some cases like Surf, Xerox, the brand has become the commodity.

You could still get a quality stuff from an unbranded product but it is not assured. With a brand you are assured of quality.

Brand loyalty differs from brand to brand-- I have seen some people buy only Levis as none others are perceived to provide a better product in Jeans. But their loyalty will switch to a better product once an innovative product is launched in the market.

Until recently, brand loyalty was strong in newspapers but that too due to force of habit rather than lack of better offerings in the market.

Why is Apple different
Binu Alex, Director of Commodity Online Group in an offtrack column on Apple had explained the reasons why his day begins with Apple and ends with Apple. My son Darshan Sreekumar, wrote in my blog taking exception to some of the statements made in the Commodity Online article.It drew violent protests from some readers using iPhone and several other Apple products.

What was objectionable was my son's observation that most buyers bought iPhone to 'show off' that they are in the big league in society. His comparison with some of the better features of Android was met with the response, Android is a copy or a clone while Apple's operating system is original.

I intended to write this a follow up only to high light a couple of things which have been firmly established in management and marketing theory. The other day one of our family friends, Shaji Sir asked me why are people spending so much money on brands. I tried to briefly tell him why this is happening. For one thing brand denotes quality but an unbranded product can still give you quality stuff at a lower price but there is no assurance or guarantee in this regard.

A simple lesson in Marketing theory now well accepted in management circles points out the motivation to purchase a product by the consumer. It is dependent on four factors: One the real image of the consumer as perceived by him, the image that he wants to project in society, thirdly society's real view of the consumer and the image the consumer thinks the society has of him when he purchases a particular product.

From this it is quite clear that our choice of a product or brand is not just dependent on its utility but on the perceived value it can bring to us in society and attendent benefits that may accrue.

A CEO owning Mercedes Benz  and another owning Honda City are perceived differently by the society in terms of success, achievements, company profile, attitude, and several other factors.

Apple the brand consumers own
Now I come to postulate a theory that perhaps Apple may be the only product which is really loved and owned by the consumers. I think Apple has done a clever mix of psychology, superior design, technology features, innovations in such a way that a user ultimately becomes to much identified with the product. It is almost like two people falling in love-- lot of oxytoxins that create good feeling for the user is created even its logo, design and looks. In the case of most other brands, the ownership rests with the company and the company is owned by several share holders.

In the case of Apple, it is foremost owned by the consumers (although they may not own a share) who have really fell in love with it that even a criticism about the product can hurt its sentiments. It is just as when you are in love, you perceive your partner to be the paragon of ulitmate virtue and beauty, beyond compare. Apple brand owners are not all interested in a comparison with Android because for them Apple ios is beyond compare.

I still believe much of the marketing theory I outlined above with respect to a consumer's choice of a brand holds for Apple as well. No one can deny it.But the success of Apple is having created an intelligent, beautiful anbd innovative partner for its customers such that they have been hooked to it.

Problem parents create Problem children

A 5-year old girl tells her grandmother people marry to quarrel and fight. Shocked, the grandma calls up her daughter to check whether they fight in front of the children.

Playschool and KG teachers I've interacted with have told me several instances of bad behavior in children that can be attributed to unhappiness prevailing at home.

Dr A Nirmala, a leading child psychologist, in whose Shantiniketan School, my son Darshan had his early education, often said they sometimes got children at age 3 and above in a spoilt condition and faced an uphill task setting them right.

When I first became a parent I was apprehensive of living up to the role. My fears led to me read several books on child psychology and parenting.

Early childhood experiences can turn out to be bad or good depending on how each child perceives the problem later on and how parents, teachers, relatives and friends respond to it.

I was myself a subject of ridicule in early school days for my clumsy looks and below average academics compared to my intelligent brother. In Transactional Analysis terms, the Child in me was only having unedited feelings associated with " I am not Ok" for a long time. But I was able to overcome this without any professional help. May be it was the English language teachers who spotted my potential to write and some friends at college who saw my skills suited for the media industry that helped overcome the crisis.

Dr Sunita, a leading child psychiatrist who held a session at Diyah's Rajagiri Kindergarten emphasised the need for a good family atmosphere for the balanced development of a child. She said that atleast for dinner, all family members should sit together and share the day's concerns and feelings.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorders (ADHD) , lack of concentration, poor interpersonal skills, bullying, stealing, several other childhood problems can be traced to excessive viewing of TV by parents, lack of intimacy between parents, quarrel some atmosphere at home, and lack of quality time parents give to children.

In these days of double income-1-2 kids families, parents are under pressure to advance their careers that they sometimes fail to give quality time to their children. So I was really happy to learn about Manu Kappan and Amrita who left high paying jobs in UK to give quality time for their daughter Rose, a friend of our daughter Diyah.

Diyah is herself struggling to overcome the trauma of 3-month separation from us when she was just one and a half years old as my wife was busy with her pharmacy business and we had to sent her to her mother's place seeing her only once or twice a week.

Even now when Diyah insists we should be with her where ever she goes and Aswathy gets irritated- I've a hard time convincing her it is not Diyah's fault but the unedited recordings in her Child that gives a feeling of fear, insecurity and inadequacy that plays again and again, needing positive strokes from time to time from us.

I don't know whether I am right in treating my children as friends but always with them as a guide. But will it rob them of the do's and don'ts that are staple recording in our Parent? (In every day psychological realm, it is the Super Ego).

I am no doubt indebted to Mr Hari Kartha (Amritha TV), renowned journalist,my first mentor and guide in the competitive media world, for an important parental lesson. His father was also a well-known journalist. Seeing a framed photo of his father in his home, I asked him how far was he an influence in selecting Journalism as a career. Hari said his father had only warned: "Never Son, never into Journalism." Then what was his contribution to you as a person? Hari said he did not inherit money or wealth from his father but only a set of good values to live by.

This conversation took place even before I had thought of marriage. But every time I spend time with my children, I get reminded of the importance of values. That's the most inexpensive gift you can give your children that can help them sail over the viccissitudes of life.

A long time skeptic now sees Enlightenment in Marriage!

Since early childhood I have been attending wedding functions and witnessing the formation of new families. However, my search for a fuller understandng on why mankind needs marriage is perhaps reaching fruition now.

My mother used to say marriage brings discipline and purpose to life. My first guide and mentor in the media world, Mr Hari Kartha, always reminded me of the four stages of life mentioned in our scriptures- childhood, teenage, youth and old age. A youth needs to marry and lead a settled life with wife and children before renouncing all this and seek salvation.

According to Swami Sukha Bodhananda enlightenment should be our intention in life. "Even marriage ultimately leads to enlightenment. Before getting married you lived for yourself. The moment you married 'I' in you has to be divided into two. If you continue with only the 'I', your wife will finish you. The 'I' in you gets expanded to include the two of you or else you would become self-centered. From the Union of two you get children."

So one thing is very important in marriage: the dilution of ego. I have already stated in my first blog post on marriage that love is the foundation on which a successful marriage can be built.

In order for love to flow, ego is a hindrance. So first we need to start shedding it.

As Bhagawan Rajneesh said when a boy or a girl meet, there is a point where each of them feel the love towards each other and forget themselves temporarily may for seconds or minutes-that is Truth or a samadhi state. But once you come out of it, you fall in the realm of Reality. What next: should we remain lovers or think of marriage. Will our parents accept the relationship and related issues of caste, wealth, religion all crop up-- the truth is lost and reality sets in. According to Rajneesh, Reality is Truth interpreted. (This is the best possible definition of Truth and Reality I have stumbled upon in my readings).

I remember our high school NCERT text book on biology which had a chapter on reproduction. It said a marriage was not about sexual attraction, kissing, inter-course, child birth, but lot of subtle family, cultural, ethical, societal factors come into play to make it a success.

How many of us rush into marriage not knowing what is the purpose behind it, what is the goal, what are the foundations required to make it a success.Therein lies the crux of the problem we see in marriages.

I was seeking an answer to all these in the past 40 years and it was only a casual reading of Shiva Mantras by Swami Sukhabodhananda (thanks to KrishnaMani Ma'm of KrishnaJyothi Group) that skepticism about marriage has now started vanishing. If someone had told this to me 17 years ago, what miracle would have happened to my family life?

Little things that can make or mar a marriage relationship!

I have always curiously observed couples quarrel for reasons most often trivial to  mild and end up not speaking to each other days. This defies logic but after all marriage itself is most of the time devoid of it.

This is the third in the series on my outlook on marriage and how difficult it is make it a success. As someone who never believed in marriage as an institution, my continuing observations about family life from different angles : one, as a family man, second, as an observer and thirdly as how others see it , will be shared with readers.

I think in one of Tolstoys's books it is mentioned that in quarrelling truth is always lost. However, quarrels are part of every day life- the trick lies in managing them.

Here are few of the little things that work against a good relationship developing between couples:

Tit-for-Tat: It is a human tendency to pay in the same coin. This happens with couples too-- if the husband fails to give due respect and properly take care of a wife's in-laws or relatives, wife retaliates the same way. Or if the husband was expected at a house for a particular function of  his spouse's relative but didn't turn up, the wife may retaliate by refusing to attend a function of a husband's relative or friend. This revengeful attitude doesn't often improve relationships but only worsens it.

Politicking: When it involves two families of husband and wife, politicking is inevitable. Whatever, husband's family does or a particular person does may be dubbed by the wife as unacceptable and vice-versa. Sometimes, when husband-wife are not in good terms, a good suggestion or idea that comes from either of them don't get accepted mutually and hence progress in the relationship gets increasingly difficult. I have seen good friends whose families knew each other well, getting married but ultimately ending up playing petty politics refusing to do anything to help their 'inlaws'  or understand them. Even their earlier 'aunty' - uncle relationship itself gets strained.

When In-laws become Outlaws: When you marry each spouse ends up with a set of in-laws- father-in-law, mother-in-law their brothers, sisters, and friends. Most often how each spouse treats their respective inlaws can make or mar a relationship. I have seen wives who refuse to go and stay in their in-laws house and vice-versa but it is possible that in-laws could themselves be a reason for that. Their undue interference in the marriage, stoking fire to a strained relationship rather than healing them. When a marriage runs into trouble, it is natural for wife's parents to justify her behaviour while husband's parents stand by him. This can just kill any opportunity to build bridges between the two families.

Many working couples are forced to seek the help of their parents to look after children due to difficulty in getting good maid servants. But this can create lot of strife as there could be clash on parent's traditional way of bringing up children and the more forward looking approach of their children. Interference in day-to-day life by the inlaws can create such a hell, that I've seen some of them being 'out-lawed' and sent back home.

Opening Old wounds: In a relationship, it is possible that a husband might have behaved or done something bad to his wife, their relatives and vice versa. Sometimes they settle it and continue as if nothing has happened. But when trouble erupts, they replay'historic' events once again much to the dismay of each of the partners. "Didn't you do this to me 5 years ago, you have always been like this, hurting me, belittling me in front of others." Now the trouble is apart from the new cause that created the new tension, one of the partners poked the other recalling the forgotten incident. It is like pouring oil over burning fire.

Blame Game: When a relationship runs into trouble, wife creates arguments justifying her stand, how she has been a victim all these years in the hands of this cruel husband and his family! While the husband accusses her of cleverly stating facts to win sympathy and line up popular discontent against him. Even when they sit before a counsellor, wife would be happy if the counsellor speaks in support of her. The moment the counsellor puts a set of suggestions for her to change, she gets upset. The same can happen in the case of husband also. In the end both come out of the consulting room unanimously blaming the psychologist as useless and good for nothing. Even as they unite in blaming the counsellor their mutual blame game against each other continues.

KidShare: The traditional mindset of the society was that a lion's share of brining up children should rest with the wife-- who looks after the physical, emotional, academic needs of children. Husband's role was limited to earning for the family, taking them out occassionaly, playing with children and scold or whack them when required. For the children should have a fear of parental authority. However, 'new age' parenting requires husband also to a play an active role in bringing up children so that they see in him as a role model. I think not many men are yet to accept this new role being caught in the traditional mindset. This again can cause tensions if the wife has seen a father in their circle taking an active role in bringing up children.

Independence: Spouses often quarrel about loss of independence in marriage. This is quite inevitable but what they are hinting at is the desire for each of them to pursue their interests and maintain former friendships. For eg. if the husband is a former cricket player and has lot of friends in those circle, he may want to take time off from the family to pursue his old interests but that can cause strife if wife feels that is coming in the way of their closeness in family. I have seen many people say marriage hasn't destroyed my independence: I still go to movies, meet friends, have an occassional drink with old friends. But most often marriage is a destroyer of independence.

Transparent: How much transparency should be kept in a relationship? What all things a partner should hide regarding his college or school life or just about anything. A husband who tells everything about a former lover at college could feel himself transparent and appear as honest before his wife. But it is possible that if he continues to be in touch with the former lover, wife could start suspecting. Lack of transparency can hurt, if either partner finds out something that was kept a secret.

PH-PW Syndrome: Possessive Husband- Possessive Wife. Possessiveness in partners- I would say it's real hell for both of them. Undue Possessiveness could be attributed to some insecure feelings that have been recorded in their childhood days and played again and again in life (Transactional Analysis : Eric Berne, Dr Thomas Hardy). They not only fear loss of partners but also friends and children. Extreme possessiveness can be seen in a mother who dislikes others interacting more with their children. If husband is average looking,with low self esteem, and wife very pretty, husband could be extremely possessive. I have heard of such husbands locking up their wives while going out from home or refusing to take them out fearing other people would be attracted to her.

Quarrel: I have seen couples quarrelling in the open and they seem to delighting in it. There is a golden rule: In quarreling, the truth is often lost.  and sometimes, the hangover of a bad quarrel can last for weeks and months.

Tailpiece: Victims: In any strained marriage, the unfortunate victims are children. I will deal with it in my subsequent columns on this issue. Meanwhile, wishing all couples happiness and joy!!!