I had written in an earlier blog post that I never believed in marriage. But much before that I was afraid of falling in love! I had a philosopher friend in Ajith during our PG days at Kerala University. He often quoted Osho Rajneesh and other gurus and said falling in love is like catching the tail of a leopard- you suffer even if you hold it or leave it. When you fall in love- if you marry then you still run into trouble or if you don't you suffer the pangs of separation.
In college days, I always delighted in watching pretty girls and wished some of them admired me but never wanted to fall in love. Yet, it was amusing to watch friends and classmates falling in love. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't escape that experience and suffered on that count for at least a few months when I knew it will not work out.
Is there any reason for men falling in love and what really happens after that? The phenomenon of love is still a mystery for many and literature, art,films,drama all explore various aspects of it and it never ends because there is an aura of mystery surrounding it every one may not grasp.
There is a biological reason behind it: Unless a man and woman fall in love and decide to stay together, there will not be offsprings and mankind will not sustain. Anthropologically speaking, the sustenance of mankind was related to the ability of people to fall in love and maintain a family life. Scientists say that a hormone called oxytocin is produced when two people fall in love- even gazing at some one can release this hormone or thinking about them. That is why couples who can't get intimate are given doses of synthetically produced oxytocin to stimulte the brain into falling in love.
So the next time you blame some one for falling into love, remember it is the powerful hormone oxytocin, a neuro transmitter in the brain that is doing the trick. Research into love has generated very interesting insights in this area:
- Men are naturally attracted to pretty women because they find in them a potential to give birth to a beautiful off spring.
-I remember an interesting cover story in Mirror magazine published from Mumbai (now closed down) long time back titled- Should you marry a pretty woman? It said probability of failures in marriage are more in pretty women than average women. I think it works this way- if the man who has married the pretty women is low in self esteem and turns out to be a bad partner- chances are that there are several others in line waiting to grab the treasure! A low self esteemed person is also likely to be more possessive and hence cause marital problems. It could happen in the case of a handsome man and an average woman also.
- It is also said that man can't hide the fact that they are in love: either they start singing, or show visible changes in body language, appearance or even announce unknowingly to those close to them. Here again, anthropology provides some clues: From ancient times, man's status was dependent on attracting the opposite sex and the fairer the better - this boosts his self esteem among his peers and establishes his masculinity. On the other hand women then and now had to be careful not to announce such things until it can be formalised. These days man need not show this kind of masculinity but may be it's a vestige of our hunter-gatherer days.
-Are Indians sex thirsty? I remember reading a provoking cover story in Sunday magazine long time back which said Indian men whether married or not were sex thirsty. There are several reasons why it could be true although the story evoked mixed response from the readers at that time. We are not a permissive society as in the west and hence it is quite natural for men to look for pleasures beyond their wives. Aligned to this is the question whether there can be platonic relationship between a man and women devoid of sex? There are still no clear answers to this- a woman still need to guess when a man shows closeness- whether it's intended for physical needs or just for friendship. That's one reason why daughters right from high school levels are often told to be cautious while dealing with the opposite sex.
- Is there an age to fall in love: Again there are no minimum or maximum age limits. I remember a friend of mine at school falling in love in fifth grade (10 years) with his classmate, sustaining it till college and eventually marrying and now possibly leading a happy life. On the other hand you can also find people like Digvijay Singh, an Indian minister falling in love with a much younger woman at the age of 67. And he has been charged with adultery.
- Love triangles and extra-marital affairs: Films, novels, dramas have all dealt with this theme in various ways that I don't want to analyse it here. However, marriage as an institution is a human creation and in pre-historic times it was likely that couples had multiple partners but as evolutionary changes took place for better upkeep of offspring, their growth and development- mankind had to stick to single partners and it has been legalised in many countries. But the urge to move out of the boundary and explore can't be contained that easily. It accentuates when either partner feels an inadequacy in the relationship and soon all problems begin to crop up. That's why psychologists say it's very important to retain romance.
- The jilted lovers: Again literature and cinema abounds in this- some times jilted lovers remain chronic bachelors all their suffering the pangs of a dream that didn't turn out to be true. Others who marry someone else also retain memories of their old sweet hearts that continue to haunt them. I remember several films where the dejected lover sings a song as his former sweet heart goes off with the bride groom after the wedding function.But the better option is for the dejected lover to be far away so that memories aren't evoked and make his present married life miserable.
As I have said before in my blog, Bhagwan Rajneesh has likened love to the ultimate Truth. When two people fall in love- that's truth, but thereafter when they start thinking in terms of marriage,caste-religion problems, live-in relationships or start getting worried on parental approval-reality sets in.
Often it is painfall for both the partners. Wishing all luck to lovers!
In college days, I always delighted in watching pretty girls and wished some of them admired me but never wanted to fall in love. Yet, it was amusing to watch friends and classmates falling in love. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't escape that experience and suffered on that count for at least a few months when I knew it will not work out.
Is there any reason for men falling in love and what really happens after that? The phenomenon of love is still a mystery for many and literature, art,films,drama all explore various aspects of it and it never ends because there is an aura of mystery surrounding it every one may not grasp.
There is a biological reason behind it: Unless a man and woman fall in love and decide to stay together, there will not be offsprings and mankind will not sustain. Anthropologically speaking, the sustenance of mankind was related to the ability of people to fall in love and maintain a family life. Scientists say that a hormone called oxytocin is produced when two people fall in love- even gazing at some one can release this hormone or thinking about them. That is why couples who can't get intimate are given doses of synthetically produced oxytocin to stimulte the brain into falling in love.
So the next time you blame some one for falling into love, remember it is the powerful hormone oxytocin, a neuro transmitter in the brain that is doing the trick. Research into love has generated very interesting insights in this area:
- Men are naturally attracted to pretty women because they find in them a potential to give birth to a beautiful off spring.
-I remember an interesting cover story in Mirror magazine published from Mumbai (now closed down) long time back titled- Should you marry a pretty woman? It said probability of failures in marriage are more in pretty women than average women. I think it works this way- if the man who has married the pretty women is low in self esteem and turns out to be a bad partner- chances are that there are several others in line waiting to grab the treasure! A low self esteemed person is also likely to be more possessive and hence cause marital problems. It could happen in the case of a handsome man and an average woman also.
- It is also said that man can't hide the fact that they are in love: either they start singing, or show visible changes in body language, appearance or even announce unknowingly to those close to them. Here again, anthropology provides some clues: From ancient times, man's status was dependent on attracting the opposite sex and the fairer the better - this boosts his self esteem among his peers and establishes his masculinity. On the other hand women then and now had to be careful not to announce such things until it can be formalised. These days man need not show this kind of masculinity but may be it's a vestige of our hunter-gatherer days.
-Are Indians sex thirsty? I remember reading a provoking cover story in Sunday magazine long time back which said Indian men whether married or not were sex thirsty. There are several reasons why it could be true although the story evoked mixed response from the readers at that time. We are not a permissive society as in the west and hence it is quite natural for men to look for pleasures beyond their wives. Aligned to this is the question whether there can be platonic relationship between a man and women devoid of sex? There are still no clear answers to this- a woman still need to guess when a man shows closeness- whether it's intended for physical needs or just for friendship. That's one reason why daughters right from high school levels are often told to be cautious while dealing with the opposite sex.
- Is there an age to fall in love: Again there are no minimum or maximum age limits. I remember a friend of mine at school falling in love in fifth grade (10 years) with his classmate, sustaining it till college and eventually marrying and now possibly leading a happy life. On the other hand you can also find people like Digvijay Singh, an Indian minister falling in love with a much younger woman at the age of 67. And he has been charged with adultery.
- Love triangles and extra-marital affairs: Films, novels, dramas have all dealt with this theme in various ways that I don't want to analyse it here. However, marriage as an institution is a human creation and in pre-historic times it was likely that couples had multiple partners but as evolutionary changes took place for better upkeep of offspring, their growth and development- mankind had to stick to single partners and it has been legalised in many countries. But the urge to move out of the boundary and explore can't be contained that easily. It accentuates when either partner feels an inadequacy in the relationship and soon all problems begin to crop up. That's why psychologists say it's very important to retain romance.
- The jilted lovers: Again literature and cinema abounds in this- some times jilted lovers remain chronic bachelors all their suffering the pangs of a dream that didn't turn out to be true. Others who marry someone else also retain memories of their old sweet hearts that continue to haunt them. I remember several films where the dejected lover sings a song as his former sweet heart goes off with the bride groom after the wedding function.But the better option is for the dejected lover to be far away so that memories aren't evoked and make his present married life miserable.
As I have said before in my blog, Bhagwan Rajneesh has likened love to the ultimate Truth. When two people fall in love- that's truth, but thereafter when they start thinking in terms of marriage,caste-religion problems, live-in relationships or start getting worried on parental approval-reality sets in.
Often it is painfall for both the partners. Wishing all luck to lovers!
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