Father as a proactive parent

When it comes to marriage and parenting there are always lots of issues to be discussed in the media and in open forums but no consensus probably emerges. The traditional view was that husband would bring all the money needed for the family by going out for work while the wife would look after the household and children.

With nuclear families consisting of father, mother and maximum two to three children becoming the norm and wife also becoming a bread-earner, the need for the father to take a proactive rather than a passive role in parenting has emerged.

Women are seen to be good at multi-tasking -managing the children, household work, job or business, and also look after husband’s requirements.  In some families, the father assumes no role in supporting children’s studies, their physical and emotional needs as it is considered the domain of the mother. In some cases, his busy job schedule or business is cited as a reason for the passive role taken by the father.

Both Father and Mother are role models
I remember my childhood days. I looked upon my father, a state government employee,  as a role model in the meticulous way he drafted letters, handled office files, helped someone who was finding it difficult to get the work done from his office, as was his punctuality. Whatever, his other shortcomings, I imbibed an important lesson regarding work. Even now as I write and complete an article, I verify it a few times for spelling, grammatical errors before sending it for publication or uploading in my blog. If I am too tired, I get it done by someone else.

Likewise, I admired my mother (also a government official) for juggling life between office, home and sometimes hospital when my father used to be admitted for heart ailments as was her ability to manage people to get things done. Our parents are also human and also not perfect having their own shortcomings but we tend to ignore them and get inspired by the positive qualities they possessed.

This goes on to prove that children are watching each of our activity very closely than we assume.  Therefore, how we behave with our colleagues, friends, neighbours, relatives and how we regard our work and business all have a bearing on the development of the personality of the child. I remember, in Rajagiri  Public School in Kochi where my daughter studies, I have been an active member of Parent Teacher Association (PTA) for the past three years. But most parents are unwilling to volunteer for any activity citing either lack of time or inability to take any responsibility. Then the management and teachers naturally ask a very pertinent question:  You want your children to take leadership roles, be outstanding and successful in school and career. But by not taking a leadership role when an opportunity comes right in front of you, are you giving the right message to your children?

Husband is your partner, not boss

Recently, my wife Aswathy reminded me when we quaraled , “Hey, you are not my boss but an equal partner in a relationship. “ I realized it was quite true. (The fact is that we are really good friends, that’s another story!)

Traditional view still having some religious approval is that husband should be considered the boss and wife the subordinate. The other day I attended the wedding of my neighbor in a church in Kochi belonging to Latin Catholic. There the priest said the wife would serve the husband and he shall always love her. And the children born to them should be seen as God’s children.

You might have heard of Kahlil Gibran’s famous quote repeated across the world by speakers and writers : Your Children are not your Children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. .. they  come through you, but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts…..

If we see children as life’s continuum happening through us for a noble cause, we would treat our children differently than if we considered it as our own property.

Family,the basic unit

Family is the basic unit in society- our first friend, supporters, teachers and philosophers are all our parents. Happy families are built on the foundation of happy marriages based on unconditional love, understanding and mutual trust.  If the husband is seen constantly ridiculing or critcising his wife in front of their children, it will have negative impact on them.

The purpose of elaborate arrangements for marriage in Churches in Christian, Muslim marriages, or solemnized by the community in the case of Hindus, is to instill the importance of marriage and how to keep the relationship divine among the couples. It is through their union, new offsprings are born and subsequently inherit their wealth and wisdom.

Even while respecting the sermons in Churches or differing views religion may have on marriages. I personally think the modern paradigm of an equal partner relationship in marriage would be more appropriate. If couples are aware of their equal roles in all aspects related to marriage including children, finances, savings, managing household matters, it would put equal responsibility on both the partners to make the relationship work.

Happy families in turn lead to happy children and who go on to become responsible citizens.

(The author, an award winning media professional, is happily married to Aswathy, a pharmacist turned Zumba fitness professional and they have two kids-Darshan  (16) and Diyah (7))