I have always curiously observed couples quarrel for reasons most often trivial to mild and end up not speaking to each other days. This defies logic but after all marriage itself is most of the time devoid of it.
This is the third in the series on my outlook on marriage and how difficult it is make it a success. As someone who never believed in marriage as an institution, my continuing observations about family life from different angles : one, as a family man, second, as an observer and thirdly as how others see it , will be shared with readers.
I think in one of Tolstoys's books it is mentioned that in quarrelling truth is always lost. However, quarrels are part of every day life- the trick lies in managing them.
Here are few of the little things that work against a good relationship developing between couples:
Tit-for-Tat: It is a human tendency to pay in the same coin. This happens with couples too-- if the husband fails to give due respect and properly take care of a wife's in-laws or relatives, wife retaliates the same way. Or if the husband was expected at a house for a particular function of his spouse's relative but didn't turn up, the wife may retaliate by refusing to attend a function of a husband's relative or friend. This revengeful attitude doesn't often improve relationships but only worsens it.
Politicking: When it involves two families of husband and wife, politicking is inevitable. Whatever, husband's family does or a particular person does may be dubbed by the wife as unacceptable and vice-versa. Sometimes, when husband-wife are not in good terms, a good suggestion or idea that comes from either of them don't get accepted mutually and hence progress in the relationship gets increasingly difficult. I have seen good friends whose families knew each other well, getting married but ultimately ending up playing petty politics refusing to do anything to help their 'inlaws' or understand them. Even their earlier 'aunty' - uncle relationship itself gets strained.
When In-laws become Outlaws: When you marry each spouse ends up with a set of in-laws- father-in-law, mother-in-law their brothers, sisters, and friends. Most often how each spouse treats their respective inlaws can make or mar a relationship. I have seen wives who refuse to go and stay in their in-laws house and vice-versa but it is possible that in-laws could themselves be a reason for that. Their undue interference in the marriage, stoking fire to a strained relationship rather than healing them. When a marriage runs into trouble, it is natural for wife's parents to justify her behaviour while husband's parents stand by him. This can just kill any opportunity to build bridges between the two families.
Many working couples are forced to seek the help of their parents to look after children due to difficulty in getting good maid servants. But this can create lot of strife as there could be clash on parent's traditional way of bringing up children and the more forward looking approach of their children. Interference in day-to-day life by the inlaws can create such a hell, that I've seen some of them being 'out-lawed' and sent back home.
Opening Old wounds: In a relationship, it is possible that a husband might have behaved or done something bad to his wife, their relatives and vice versa. Sometimes they settle it and continue as if nothing has happened. But when trouble erupts, they replay'historic' events once again much to the dismay of each of the partners. "Didn't you do this to me 5 years ago, you have always been like this, hurting me, belittling me in front of others." Now the trouble is apart from the new cause that created the new tension, one of the partners poked the other recalling the forgotten incident. It is like pouring oil over burning fire.
Blame Game: When a relationship runs into trouble, wife creates arguments justifying her stand, how she has been a victim all these years in the hands of this cruel husband and his family! While the husband accusses her of cleverly stating facts to win sympathy and line up popular discontent against him. Even when they sit before a counsellor, wife would be happy if the counsellor speaks in support of her. The moment the counsellor puts a set of suggestions for her to change, she gets upset. The same can happen in the case of husband also. In the end both come out of the consulting room unanimously blaming the psychologist as useless and good for nothing. Even as they unite in blaming the counsellor their mutual blame game against each other continues.
KidShare: The traditional mindset of the society was that a lion's share of brining up children should rest with the wife-- who looks after the physical, emotional, academic needs of children. Husband's role was limited to earning for the family, taking them out occassionaly, playing with children and scold or whack them when required. For the children should have a fear of parental authority. However, 'new age' parenting requires husband also to a play an active role in bringing up children so that they see in him as a role model. I think not many men are yet to accept this new role being caught in the traditional mindset. This again can cause tensions if the wife has seen a father in their circle taking an active role in bringing up children.
Independence: Spouses often quarrel about loss of independence in marriage. This is quite inevitable but what they are hinting at is the desire for each of them to pursue their interests and maintain former friendships. For eg. if the husband is a former cricket player and has lot of friends in those circle, he may want to take time off from the family to pursue his old interests but that can cause strife if wife feels that is coming in the way of their closeness in family. I have seen many people say marriage hasn't destroyed my independence: I still go to movies, meet friends, have an occassional drink with old friends. But most often marriage is a destroyer of independence.
Transparent: How much transparency should be kept in a relationship? What all things a partner should hide regarding his college or school life or just about anything. A husband who tells everything about a former lover at college could feel himself transparent and appear as honest before his wife. But it is possible that if he continues to be in touch with the former lover, wife could start suspecting. Lack of transparency can hurt, if either partner finds out something that was kept a secret.
PH-PW Syndrome: Possessive Husband- Possessive Wife. Possessiveness in partners- I would say it's real hell for both of them. Undue Possessiveness could be attributed to some insecure feelings that have been recorded in their childhood days and played again and again in life (Transactional Analysis : Eric Berne, Dr Thomas Hardy). They not only fear loss of partners but also friends and children. Extreme possessiveness can be seen in a mother who dislikes others interacting more with their children. If husband is average looking,with low self esteem, and wife very pretty, husband could be extremely possessive. I have heard of such husbands locking up their wives while going out from home or refusing to take them out fearing other people would be attracted to her.
Quarrel: I have seen couples quarrelling in the open and they seem to delighting in it. There is a golden rule: In quarreling, the truth is often lost. and sometimes, the hangover of a bad quarrel can last for weeks and months.
Tailpiece: Victims: In any strained marriage, the unfortunate victims are children. I will deal with it in my subsequent columns on this issue. Meanwhile, wishing all couples happiness and joy!!!
This is the third in the series on my outlook on marriage and how difficult it is make it a success. As someone who never believed in marriage as an institution, my continuing observations about family life from different angles : one, as a family man, second, as an observer and thirdly as how others see it , will be shared with readers.
I think in one of Tolstoys's books it is mentioned that in quarrelling truth is always lost. However, quarrels are part of every day life- the trick lies in managing them.
Here are few of the little things that work against a good relationship developing between couples:
Tit-for-Tat: It is a human tendency to pay in the same coin. This happens with couples too-- if the husband fails to give due respect and properly take care of a wife's in-laws or relatives, wife retaliates the same way. Or if the husband was expected at a house for a particular function of his spouse's relative but didn't turn up, the wife may retaliate by refusing to attend a function of a husband's relative or friend. This revengeful attitude doesn't often improve relationships but only worsens it.
Politicking: When it involves two families of husband and wife, politicking is inevitable. Whatever, husband's family does or a particular person does may be dubbed by the wife as unacceptable and vice-versa. Sometimes, when husband-wife are not in good terms, a good suggestion or idea that comes from either of them don't get accepted mutually and hence progress in the relationship gets increasingly difficult. I have seen good friends whose families knew each other well, getting married but ultimately ending up playing petty politics refusing to do anything to help their 'inlaws' or understand them. Even their earlier 'aunty' - uncle relationship itself gets strained.
When In-laws become Outlaws: When you marry each spouse ends up with a set of in-laws- father-in-law, mother-in-law their brothers, sisters, and friends. Most often how each spouse treats their respective inlaws can make or mar a relationship. I have seen wives who refuse to go and stay in their in-laws house and vice-versa but it is possible that in-laws could themselves be a reason for that. Their undue interference in the marriage, stoking fire to a strained relationship rather than healing them. When a marriage runs into trouble, it is natural for wife's parents to justify her behaviour while husband's parents stand by him. This can just kill any opportunity to build bridges between the two families.
Many working couples are forced to seek the help of their parents to look after children due to difficulty in getting good maid servants. But this can create lot of strife as there could be clash on parent's traditional way of bringing up children and the more forward looking approach of their children. Interference in day-to-day life by the inlaws can create such a hell, that I've seen some of them being 'out-lawed' and sent back home.
Opening Old wounds: In a relationship, it is possible that a husband might have behaved or done something bad to his wife, their relatives and vice versa. Sometimes they settle it and continue as if nothing has happened. But when trouble erupts, they replay'historic' events once again much to the dismay of each of the partners. "Didn't you do this to me 5 years ago, you have always been like this, hurting me, belittling me in front of others." Now the trouble is apart from the new cause that created the new tension, one of the partners poked the other recalling the forgotten incident. It is like pouring oil over burning fire.
Blame Game: When a relationship runs into trouble, wife creates arguments justifying her stand, how she has been a victim all these years in the hands of this cruel husband and his family! While the husband accusses her of cleverly stating facts to win sympathy and line up popular discontent against him. Even when they sit before a counsellor, wife would be happy if the counsellor speaks in support of her. The moment the counsellor puts a set of suggestions for her to change, she gets upset. The same can happen in the case of husband also. In the end both come out of the consulting room unanimously blaming the psychologist as useless and good for nothing. Even as they unite in blaming the counsellor their mutual blame game against each other continues.
KidShare: The traditional mindset of the society was that a lion's share of brining up children should rest with the wife-- who looks after the physical, emotional, academic needs of children. Husband's role was limited to earning for the family, taking them out occassionaly, playing with children and scold or whack them when required. For the children should have a fear of parental authority. However, 'new age' parenting requires husband also to a play an active role in bringing up children so that they see in him as a role model. I think not many men are yet to accept this new role being caught in the traditional mindset. This again can cause tensions if the wife has seen a father in their circle taking an active role in bringing up children.
Independence: Spouses often quarrel about loss of independence in marriage. This is quite inevitable but what they are hinting at is the desire for each of them to pursue their interests and maintain former friendships. For eg. if the husband is a former cricket player and has lot of friends in those circle, he may want to take time off from the family to pursue his old interests but that can cause strife if wife feels that is coming in the way of their closeness in family. I have seen many people say marriage hasn't destroyed my independence: I still go to movies, meet friends, have an occassional drink with old friends. But most often marriage is a destroyer of independence.
Transparent: How much transparency should be kept in a relationship? What all things a partner should hide regarding his college or school life or just about anything. A husband who tells everything about a former lover at college could feel himself transparent and appear as honest before his wife. But it is possible that if he continues to be in touch with the former lover, wife could start suspecting. Lack of transparency can hurt, if either partner finds out something that was kept a secret.
PH-PW Syndrome: Possessive Husband- Possessive Wife. Possessiveness in partners- I would say it's real hell for both of them. Undue Possessiveness could be attributed to some insecure feelings that have been recorded in their childhood days and played again and again in life (Transactional Analysis : Eric Berne, Dr Thomas Hardy). They not only fear loss of partners but also friends and children. Extreme possessiveness can be seen in a mother who dislikes others interacting more with their children. If husband is average looking,with low self esteem, and wife very pretty, husband could be extremely possessive. I have heard of such husbands locking up their wives while going out from home or refusing to take them out fearing other people would be attracted to her.
Quarrel: I have seen couples quarrelling in the open and they seem to delighting in it. There is a golden rule: In quarreling, the truth is often lost. and sometimes, the hangover of a bad quarrel can last for weeks and months.
Tailpiece: Victims: In any strained marriage, the unfortunate victims are children. I will deal with it in my subsequent columns on this issue. Meanwhile, wishing all couples happiness and joy!!!
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