Adultery Not a Crime, is Soliciting Directly or Through Social Media an Offence?

The Supreme Court has scrapped Section 497 of IPC that treats adultery as a criminal offence. The Court has ruled that any issues relating to extra-marital relationships in a marriage has to be settled between husband and wife either taking a forgiving attitude or divorce.

Lot of discussions and trolls are happening on this issue but one question that was raised by one of my friends in the media was whether soliciting an extra-marital relationship either directly or through social media would be considered an offence. Although I don't have a legal background, assuming my logic and common sense (quite uncommon!) proves right, I would set out the broader implications of the SC verdict for the benefit of larger section of doubting thomasses and anxious people seeking adventure!

1. Adultery is no longer considered a crime. Here it is assumed that both parties in the extra-marital affair (the different combinations- married man and unmarried woman, married man and married woman, unmarried man and married woman) enter in the relationship out of mutual liking and without any force or coercion. And most importantly, fully aware of the consequences arising out of it. You may call it anything, 'love' or 'nature's call' or whatever. So long as a third person doesn't know about it, everything is fine and provided it brings no new burden to life!

2. The second part is as my media friend asked, a man and woman know each other for a while and one of them wants to send a message across either directly or through social media that he or she needs to get closer!. Fine. Again it's only a nature's call. But either of the two have the right to refusal. If the man or the woman persists with it despite the other person showing no interest or refusing the act, then it is intimidation, harassment or abuse whatever crime you can attribute to it. In some case the male ego can be hurt, they may use the social media or other channels to defame the lady, so naturally it's harassment. Here Section 354A of IPC can be invoked.

3.It is important to note that provisions for providing protection for sexual harassment against women in IPC has not been revoked. Therefore, women continue to enjoy the protection provided by law against harassment in public places, at work or at home.

The Supreme Court has observed that Section 497 of IPC came into force due to the patriarchal nature of our society. A man who engages in an extra-marital affair is seen as machoistic while a woman who engages in it is considered 'immoral'. One doctor friend of mine once asked what is the difference between a prostitute and a woman who indulges in a sexual relationship outside of marriage? There is a huge difference. In the case of the former, she is doing it for money or a livelihood while in the latter it is out of what we have said above- 'love' or 'nature's call'. That same patriarchy principle applies when a suspecting husband starts spying on the spouse's whatsapp and even forcibly snatches away the smart phone to end it all.

Going by the amount of space and time devoted to the three-letter word, sometimes it may be right to say that mankind is more a sexual being than spiritual. A Times of India report of 2 December 2014 stated that 76% of Indian women and 61% men did not think infidelity was a sin based on a survey of over 75000 people.
No doubt  man-woman relationships is a very sensitive issue. But the sad part is that we don't seem to have better things to talk about- may be about the origin of the universe as George Bernard Shaw said when people could have more leisure, the wonders of nature, the happiness of children playing or the seas and rivers, the beautiful flowers or the trees that bloom everywhere.

( I invite readers to share their views and opinions on this topic)

Father as a proactive parent

When it comes to marriage and parenting there are always lots of issues to be discussed in the media and in open forums but no consensus probably emerges. The traditional view was that husband would bring all the money needed for the family by going out for work while the wife would look after the household and children.

With nuclear families consisting of father, mother and maximum two to three children becoming the norm and wife also becoming a bread-earner, the need for the father to take a proactive rather than a passive role in parenting has emerged.

Women are seen to be good at multi-tasking -managing the children, household work, job or business, and also look after husband’s requirements.  In some families, the father assumes no role in supporting children’s studies, their physical and emotional needs as it is considered the domain of the mother. In some cases, his busy job schedule or business is cited as a reason for the passive role taken by the father.

Both Father and Mother are role models
I remember my childhood days. I looked upon my father, a state government employee,  as a role model in the meticulous way he drafted letters, handled office files, helped someone who was finding it difficult to get the work done from his office, as was his punctuality. Whatever, his other shortcomings, I imbibed an important lesson regarding work. Even now as I write and complete an article, I verify it a few times for spelling, grammatical errors before sending it for publication or uploading in my blog. If I am too tired, I get it done by someone else.

Likewise, I admired my mother (also a government official) for juggling life between office, home and sometimes hospital when my father used to be admitted for heart ailments as was her ability to manage people to get things done. Our parents are also human and also not perfect having their own shortcomings but we tend to ignore them and get inspired by the positive qualities they possessed.

This goes on to prove that children are watching each of our activity very closely than we assume.  Therefore, how we behave with our colleagues, friends, neighbours, relatives and how we regard our work and business all have a bearing on the development of the personality of the child. I remember, in Rajagiri  Public School in Kochi where my daughter studies, I have been an active member of Parent Teacher Association (PTA) for the past three years. But most parents are unwilling to volunteer for any activity citing either lack of time or inability to take any responsibility. Then the management and teachers naturally ask a very pertinent question:  You want your children to take leadership roles, be outstanding and successful in school and career. But by not taking a leadership role when an opportunity comes right in front of you, are you giving the right message to your children?

Husband is your partner, not boss

Recently, my wife Aswathy reminded me when we quaraled , “Hey, you are not my boss but an equal partner in a relationship. “ I realized it was quite true. (The fact is that we are really good friends, that’s another story!)

Traditional view still having some religious approval is that husband should be considered the boss and wife the subordinate. The other day I attended the wedding of my neighbor in a church in Kochi belonging to Latin Catholic. There the priest said the wife would serve the husband and he shall always love her. And the children born to them should be seen as God’s children.

You might have heard of Kahlil Gibran’s famous quote repeated across the world by speakers and writers : Your Children are not your Children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. .. they  come through you, but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts…..

If we see children as life’s continuum happening through us for a noble cause, we would treat our children differently than if we considered it as our own property.

Family,the basic unit

Family is the basic unit in society- our first friend, supporters, teachers and philosophers are all our parents. Happy families are built on the foundation of happy marriages based on unconditional love, understanding and mutual trust.  If the husband is seen constantly ridiculing or critcising his wife in front of their children, it will have negative impact on them.

The purpose of elaborate arrangements for marriage in Churches in Christian, Muslim marriages, or solemnized by the community in the case of Hindus, is to instill the importance of marriage and how to keep the relationship divine among the couples. It is through their union, new offsprings are born and subsequently inherit their wealth and wisdom.

Even while respecting the sermons in Churches or differing views religion may have on marriages. I personally think the modern paradigm of an equal partner relationship in marriage would be more appropriate. If couples are aware of their equal roles in all aspects related to marriage including children, finances, savings, managing household matters, it would put equal responsibility on both the partners to make the relationship work.

Happy families in turn lead to happy children and who go on to become responsible citizens.

(The author, an award winning media professional, is happily married to Aswathy, a pharmacist turned Zumba fitness professional and they have two kids-Darshan  (16) and Diyah (7))

Animal instinct in Rape-is it real?

There is a belief that animal instincts are base and man has evolved into higher realms of thought and spiritual thinking. Is there any basis for condemning rape as animal instinct and branding it in-human? Is there any evidence to show a male lion will pounce on the female without its consent or for that matter a dog. Zoologists have observed animals do have mating seasons when they tend to become aggressive. That's the time when males fight it out with each other to secure the company of females and not to hurt them.

On the other hand homo sapiens do not have a particular mating season and is fertile throughout the year.
I believe there are reasons to conclude rape is more a manly instinct and is not unique to animals. In many societies, there are not many opportunities for boys and girls to develop good friendship at a young age. We still have 'boys only' and 'girls only' school and even in co-ed schools like the one I studied, a boy talking talking to a girl was most often a taboo.

In the absence of healthy friendships between the sexes, both boys and girls could be overly influenced by half-baked knowledge of peers, pornographic books and videos, come to accept what ever is shared between friends. And they don't discuss this with knowledgeable persons or counsellors to verify whether what they have heard because that culture is alien to us.

If there are large number of rapes still happening after the Delhi incident and consequent punishment of offenders, there is something basically wrong with the way woman are seen and respected in Indian society.

That's why Amanda found it easier to travel alone in Pakistan than India or Bangladesh. In Indian buses, a woman is ever under threat of creeping fingers and lewd looks.(A House in the Sky by Amanda Lindhout, global adventures of a lady backpacker tourist)

I feel women and men do have their unique strengths and weaknesses. Strict laws alone can't prevent rapes- in Gulf countries the genitals of rapists are cut off in public and in the presence of the victim and in most cases in India-life imprisonment to death penalty awaits the sinners.

A more humane approach to healthier relationships would require a radical change in our thoughts and outlook. Boys should be told to have respect for girls-their feelings, security and independence. Girls should be made more bold and be ready to fight any attack on themselves and more importantly work towards healthier relationships in marriage.

If women are seen as mere sex objects, who's to be blamed? Man, provocative women or a male chauvinistic society. Can't we make women both bold and beautiful?

Tailpiece
A large number of rapes happen within marriages and victims are unable to speak out. Recently, the Delhi High Court ruled that there is no question of rape in a legitimised relationship and hence it won't entertain such cases. May be the court felt there could be an enormity of such cases and hence didn't want to put further strains on judiciary.

Why men fall into love, an exploration into its mysteries

I had written in an earlier blog post that I never believed in marriage. But much before that I was afraid of falling in love! I had a philosopher friend in Ajith during our PG days at Kerala University. He often quoted Osho Rajneesh and other gurus and said falling in love is like catching the tail of a leopard- you suffer even if you hold it or leave it. When you fall in love- if you marry then you still run into trouble or if you don't you suffer the pangs of separation.

In college days, I always delighted in watching pretty girls and wished some of them admired me but never wanted to fall in love. Yet, it was amusing to watch friends and classmates falling in love. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't escape that experience and suffered on that count for at least a few months when I knew it will not work out.

Is there any reason for men falling in love and what really happens after that? The phenomenon of love is still a mystery for many and literature, art,films,drama all explore various aspects of it and it never ends because there is an aura of mystery surrounding it every one may not grasp.

There is a biological reason behind it: Unless a man and woman fall in love and decide to stay together, there will not be offsprings and mankind will not sustain. Anthropologically speaking, the sustenance of mankind was related to the ability of people to fall in love and maintain a family life. Scientists say that a hormone called oxytocin is produced when two people fall in love- even gazing at some one can release this hormone or thinking about them. That is why couples who can't get intimate are given doses of synthetically produced oxytocin to stimulte the brain into falling in love.

So the next time you blame some one for falling into love, remember it is the powerful hormone oxytocin, a neuro transmitter in the brain that is doing the trick. Research into love has generated very interesting insights in this area:

- Men are naturally attracted to pretty women because they find in them a potential to give birth to a beautiful off spring.

-I remember an interesting cover story in Mirror magazine published from Mumbai (now closed down) long time back titled- Should you marry a pretty woman? It said probability of failures in marriage are more in pretty women than average women. I think it works this way- if the man who has married the pretty women is low in self esteem and turns out to be a bad partner- chances are that there are several others in line waiting to grab the treasure! A low self esteemed person is also likely to be more possessive and hence cause marital problems. It could happen in the case of a handsome man and an average woman also.

- It is also said that man can't hide the fact that they are in love: either they start singing, or show visible changes in body language, appearance or even announce unknowingly to those close to them. Here again, anthropology provides some clues: From ancient times, man's status was dependent on attracting the opposite sex and the fairer the better - this boosts his self esteem among his peers and establishes his masculinity. On the other hand women then and now had to be careful not to announce such things until it can be formalised. These days man need not show this kind of masculinity but may be it's a vestige of our hunter-gatherer days.

-Are Indians sex thirsty? I remember reading a provoking cover story in Sunday magazine long time back which said Indian men whether married or not were sex thirsty. There are several reasons why it could be true although the story evoked mixed response from the readers at that time. We are not a permissive society as in the west and hence it is quite natural for men to look for pleasures beyond their wives. Aligned to this is the question whether there can be platonic relationship between a man and women devoid of sex? There are still no clear answers to this- a woman still need to guess when a man shows closeness- whether it's intended for physical needs or just for friendship. That's one reason why daughters right from high school levels are often told to be cautious while dealing with the opposite sex.

- Is there an age to fall in love: Again there are no minimum or maximum age limits. I remember a friend of mine at school falling in love in fifth grade (10 years) with his classmate, sustaining it till college and eventually marrying and now possibly leading a happy life. On the other hand you can also find people like Digvijay Singh, an Indian minister falling in love with a much younger woman at the age of 67. And he has been charged with adultery.

- Love triangles and extra-marital affairs: Films, novels, dramas have all dealt with this theme in various ways that I don't want to analyse it here. However, marriage as an institution is a human creation and in pre-historic times it was likely that couples had multiple partners but as evolutionary changes took place for better upkeep of offspring, their growth and development- mankind had to stick to single partners and it has been legalised in many countries. But the urge to move out of the boundary and explore can't be contained that easily. It accentuates when either partner feels an inadequacy in the relationship and soon all problems begin to crop up. That's why psychologists say it's very important to retain romance.

- The jilted lovers: Again literature and cinema abounds in this- some times jilted lovers remain chronic bachelors all their suffering the pangs of a dream that didn't turn out to be true. Others who marry someone else also retain memories of their old sweet hearts that continue to haunt them. I remember several films where the dejected lover sings a song as his former sweet heart goes off with the bride groom after the wedding function.But the better option is for the dejected lover to be far away so that memories aren't evoked and make his present married life miserable.

As I have said before in my blog, Bhagwan Rajneesh has likened love to the ultimate Truth. When two people fall in love- that's truth, but thereafter when they start thinking in terms of marriage,caste-religion problems, live-in relationships or start getting worried on parental approval-reality sets in.
Often it is painfall for both the partners. Wishing all luck to lovers!

Problem parents create Problem children

A 5-year old girl tells her grandmother people marry to quarrel and fight. Shocked, the grandma calls up her daughter to check whether they fight in front of the children.

Playschool and KG teachers I've interacted with have told me several instances of bad behavior in children that can be attributed to unhappiness prevailing at home.

Dr A Nirmala, a leading child psychologist, in whose Shantiniketan School, my son Darshan had his early education, often said they sometimes got children at age 3 and above in a spoilt condition and faced an uphill task setting them right.

When I first became a parent I was apprehensive of living up to the role. My fears led to me read several books on child psychology and parenting.

Early childhood experiences can turn out to be bad or good depending on how each child perceives the problem later on and how parents, teachers, relatives and friends respond to it.

I was myself a subject of ridicule in early school days for my clumsy looks and below average academics compared to my intelligent brother. In Transactional Analysis terms, the Child in me was only having unedited feelings associated with " I am not Ok" for a long time. But I was able to overcome this without any professional help. May be it was the English language teachers who spotted my potential to write and some friends at college who saw my skills suited for the media industry that helped overcome the crisis.

Dr Sunita, a leading child psychiatrist who held a session at Diyah's Rajagiri Kindergarten emphasised the need for a good family atmosphere for the balanced development of a child. She said that atleast for dinner, all family members should sit together and share the day's concerns and feelings.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorders (ADHD) , lack of concentration, poor interpersonal skills, bullying, stealing, several other childhood problems can be traced to excessive viewing of TV by parents, lack of intimacy between parents, quarrel some atmosphere at home, and lack of quality time parents give to children.

In these days of double income-1-2 kids families, parents are under pressure to advance their careers that they sometimes fail to give quality time to their children. So I was really happy to learn about Manu Kappan and Amrita who left high paying jobs in UK to give quality time for their daughter Rose, a friend of our daughter Diyah.

Diyah is herself struggling to overcome the trauma of 3-month separation from us when she was just one and a half years old as my wife was busy with her pharmacy business and we had to sent her to her mother's place seeing her only once or twice a week.

Even now when Diyah insists we should be with her where ever she goes and Aswathy gets irritated- I've a hard time convincing her it is not Diyah's fault but the unedited recordings in her Child that gives a feeling of fear, insecurity and inadequacy that plays again and again, needing positive strokes from time to time from us.

I don't know whether I am right in treating my children as friends but always with them as a guide. But will it rob them of the do's and don'ts that are staple recording in our Parent? (In every day psychological realm, it is the Super Ego).

I am no doubt indebted to Mr Hari Kartha (Amritha TV), renowned journalist,my first mentor and guide in the competitive media world, for an important parental lesson. His father was also a well-known journalist. Seeing a framed photo of his father in his home, I asked him how far was he an influence in selecting Journalism as a career. Hari said his father had only warned: "Never Son, never into Journalism." Then what was his contribution to you as a person? Hari said he did not inherit money or wealth from his father but only a set of good values to live by.

This conversation took place even before I had thought of marriage. But every time I spend time with my children, I get reminded of the importance of values. That's the most inexpensive gift you can give your children that can help them sail over the viccissitudes of life.

A long time skeptic now sees Enlightenment in Marriage!

Since early childhood I have been attending wedding functions and witnessing the formation of new families. However, my search for a fuller understandng on why mankind needs marriage is perhaps reaching fruition now.

My mother used to say marriage brings discipline and purpose to life. My first guide and mentor in the media world, Mr Hari Kartha, always reminded me of the four stages of life mentioned in our scriptures- childhood, teenage, youth and old age. A youth needs to marry and lead a settled life with wife and children before renouncing all this and seek salvation.

According to Swami Sukha Bodhananda enlightenment should be our intention in life. "Even marriage ultimately leads to enlightenment. Before getting married you lived for yourself. The moment you married 'I' in you has to be divided into two. If you continue with only the 'I', your wife will finish you. The 'I' in you gets expanded to include the two of you or else you would become self-centered. From the Union of two you get children."

So one thing is very important in marriage: the dilution of ego. I have already stated in my first blog post on marriage that love is the foundation on which a successful marriage can be built.

In order for love to flow, ego is a hindrance. So first we need to start shedding it.

As Bhagawan Rajneesh said when a boy or a girl meet, there is a point where each of them feel the love towards each other and forget themselves temporarily may for seconds or minutes-that is Truth or a samadhi state. But once you come out of it, you fall in the realm of Reality. What next: should we remain lovers or think of marriage. Will our parents accept the relationship and related issues of caste, wealth, religion all crop up-- the truth is lost and reality sets in. According to Rajneesh, Reality is Truth interpreted. (This is the best possible definition of Truth and Reality I have stumbled upon in my readings).

I remember our high school NCERT text book on biology which had a chapter on reproduction. It said a marriage was not about sexual attraction, kissing, inter-course, child birth, but lot of subtle family, cultural, ethical, societal factors come into play to make it a success.

How many of us rush into marriage not knowing what is the purpose behind it, what is the goal, what are the foundations required to make it a success.Therein lies the crux of the problem we see in marriages.

I was seeking an answer to all these in the past 40 years and it was only a casual reading of Shiva Mantras by Swami Sukhabodhananda (thanks to KrishnaMani Ma'm of KrishnaJyothi Group) that skepticism about marriage has now started vanishing. If someone had told this to me 17 years ago, what miracle would have happened to my family life?

Little things that can make or mar a marriage relationship!

I have always curiously observed couples quarrel for reasons most often trivial to  mild and end up not speaking to each other days. This defies logic but after all marriage itself is most of the time devoid of it.

This is the third in the series on my outlook on marriage and how difficult it is make it a success. As someone who never believed in marriage as an institution, my continuing observations about family life from different angles : one, as a family man, second, as an observer and thirdly as how others see it , will be shared with readers.

I think in one of Tolstoys's books it is mentioned that in quarrelling truth is always lost. However, quarrels are part of every day life- the trick lies in managing them.

Here are few of the little things that work against a good relationship developing between couples:

Tit-for-Tat: It is a human tendency to pay in the same coin. This happens with couples too-- if the husband fails to give due respect and properly take care of a wife's in-laws or relatives, wife retaliates the same way. Or if the husband was expected at a house for a particular function of  his spouse's relative but didn't turn up, the wife may retaliate by refusing to attend a function of a husband's relative or friend. This revengeful attitude doesn't often improve relationships but only worsens it.

Politicking: When it involves two families of husband and wife, politicking is inevitable. Whatever, husband's family does or a particular person does may be dubbed by the wife as unacceptable and vice-versa. Sometimes, when husband-wife are not in good terms, a good suggestion or idea that comes from either of them don't get accepted mutually and hence progress in the relationship gets increasingly difficult. I have seen good friends whose families knew each other well, getting married but ultimately ending up playing petty politics refusing to do anything to help their 'inlaws'  or understand them. Even their earlier 'aunty' - uncle relationship itself gets strained.

When In-laws become Outlaws: When you marry each spouse ends up with a set of in-laws- father-in-law, mother-in-law their brothers, sisters, and friends. Most often how each spouse treats their respective inlaws can make or mar a relationship. I have seen wives who refuse to go and stay in their in-laws house and vice-versa but it is possible that in-laws could themselves be a reason for that. Their undue interference in the marriage, stoking fire to a strained relationship rather than healing them. When a marriage runs into trouble, it is natural for wife's parents to justify her behaviour while husband's parents stand by him. This can just kill any opportunity to build bridges between the two families.

Many working couples are forced to seek the help of their parents to look after children due to difficulty in getting good maid servants. But this can create lot of strife as there could be clash on parent's traditional way of bringing up children and the more forward looking approach of their children. Interference in day-to-day life by the inlaws can create such a hell, that I've seen some of them being 'out-lawed' and sent back home.

Opening Old wounds: In a relationship, it is possible that a husband might have behaved or done something bad to his wife, their relatives and vice versa. Sometimes they settle it and continue as if nothing has happened. But when trouble erupts, they replay'historic' events once again much to the dismay of each of the partners. "Didn't you do this to me 5 years ago, you have always been like this, hurting me, belittling me in front of others." Now the trouble is apart from the new cause that created the new tension, one of the partners poked the other recalling the forgotten incident. It is like pouring oil over burning fire.

Blame Game: When a relationship runs into trouble, wife creates arguments justifying her stand, how she has been a victim all these years in the hands of this cruel husband and his family! While the husband accusses her of cleverly stating facts to win sympathy and line up popular discontent against him. Even when they sit before a counsellor, wife would be happy if the counsellor speaks in support of her. The moment the counsellor puts a set of suggestions for her to change, she gets upset. The same can happen in the case of husband also. In the end both come out of the consulting room unanimously blaming the psychologist as useless and good for nothing. Even as they unite in blaming the counsellor their mutual blame game against each other continues.

KidShare: The traditional mindset of the society was that a lion's share of brining up children should rest with the wife-- who looks after the physical, emotional, academic needs of children. Husband's role was limited to earning for the family, taking them out occassionaly, playing with children and scold or whack them when required. For the children should have a fear of parental authority. However, 'new age' parenting requires husband also to a play an active role in bringing up children so that they see in him as a role model. I think not many men are yet to accept this new role being caught in the traditional mindset. This again can cause tensions if the wife has seen a father in their circle taking an active role in bringing up children.

Independence: Spouses often quarrel about loss of independence in marriage. This is quite inevitable but what they are hinting at is the desire for each of them to pursue their interests and maintain former friendships. For eg. if the husband is a former cricket player and has lot of friends in those circle, he may want to take time off from the family to pursue his old interests but that can cause strife if wife feels that is coming in the way of their closeness in family. I have seen many people say marriage hasn't destroyed my independence: I still go to movies, meet friends, have an occassional drink with old friends. But most often marriage is a destroyer of independence.

Transparent: How much transparency should be kept in a relationship? What all things a partner should hide regarding his college or school life or just about anything. A husband who tells everything about a former lover at college could feel himself transparent and appear as honest before his wife. But it is possible that if he continues to be in touch with the former lover, wife could start suspecting. Lack of transparency can hurt, if either partner finds out something that was kept a secret.

PH-PW Syndrome: Possessive Husband- Possessive Wife. Possessiveness in partners- I would say it's real hell for both of them. Undue Possessiveness could be attributed to some insecure feelings that have been recorded in their childhood days and played again and again in life (Transactional Analysis : Eric Berne, Dr Thomas Hardy). They not only fear loss of partners but also friends and children. Extreme possessiveness can be seen in a mother who dislikes others interacting more with their children. If husband is average looking,with low self esteem, and wife very pretty, husband could be extremely possessive. I have heard of such husbands locking up their wives while going out from home or refusing to take them out fearing other people would be attracted to her.

Quarrel: I have seen couples quarrelling in the open and they seem to delighting in it. There is a golden rule: In quarreling, the truth is often lost.  and sometimes, the hangover of a bad quarrel can last for weeks and months.

Tailpiece: Victims: In any strained marriage, the unfortunate victims are children. I will deal with it in my subsequent columns on this issue. Meanwhile, wishing all couples happiness and joy!!!

Couples: Matching personality types may be the way to success in marriage

If you are tired of hearing the same solutions for a marriage that is going through difficult times: adjust, compromise and understand each other, I won't blame you.

For couples who are unwilling to shed their egos, it makes little sense to try these strategies. Haven't you heard, the ideal marriage would be between a deaf husband and a blind wife or something like that.

It is believed that no two individuals are alike and God made it that way. There are even differences between brothers and sisters, twin brothers and sisters born to the same parents. So how do you fit two people born and brought up in different families, socio-economic mileau or sometimes from different castes and religion to work out in real life?
I think we need to analyse the personality types to look for the right fit to happen in a marriage relationship.

1)Hardcore conventional

2)Modern

3)Eccentric

4)Perverted

Now let's find out the attributes of a hardcore conventional husband and wife:

1 a)Hardcore conventional husband: He is brought up on traditional family values and a stickler for rules and regulations. His personality expressed in Transactional analysis (Parent-Adult-Child) would be dominated by the Parent. Since his parent is dominating-he will hold onto moral values and his commandments will be do this, do that and not an inch more. He may believe in wife being subservient in all respects, also expect the wife to be 100% traditional in looks, beliefs and attitude. He may place his own family members above any one else and expect his wife and children to be like them and respect them. He may hold only coventional jobs, not a risk taker, not adventurous or romantic. He would like his wife to wash and iron his clothes,look after children, prepare food and serve them, keep the house clean. His job would be to go to office on time, return and enjoy reading a newspaper, book or simply watch TV. He may occasionaly take the family out for a film, shopping or weekend outing but again with pre-determined itinery.He may be a strict father to his children and believes in keeping family members in their proper places not giving undue freedom. In making purchases or planning something, he will still hold the upper hand although he may consult wife and children just for namesake. The conventional husband is conventional even in dressing-- he may not even wear a T-shirt or allow modern dresses to be worn by wife and children. He is likely to be a teetotler and a non-smoker.

1 b)Hardcore Conventional Wife: Like the hardcore conventional husband, the typical wife was also brought up on traditional values. No matter what you learn or achieve, you are going to end up in your husband's house obeying whatever they say. She will always remain a shadow of her husband and even if educated may not like to go for a job or because her husband's family doesn't like it. She willingly becomes part of the household and strive hard to be a good wife, mother, daughter-in-law and possibly not voice her thoughts and views for fear of being rejected or ridiculed. In transactional analysis (PAC), her Adult position may be weak and her Child was constantly directed to obey rather than question. He may not have any hobbies or interests and not likely to pursue them as she gets little time. She is expected to wear conventional dresses, hair style and make up, and obediently accompanying husband in social functions and events. Most often her role would be restricted to smiling, or saying "is it." However, in woman's company, these types may indulge in their favourite gossips to vent out their stress. After giving birth to children, they are not likely to be bothered about looks and end up rotound at the age of 40.

2 a)Modern Husband: He may have been born to parents having a modern outlook or acquired it while at college and subsequently on the job. A typical modern would have looks, manners, dressing and even attitude that reflect a global outlook. He may be member of more than a few clubs, play tennis or golf. He is most likely to be a  professional in a large company or running his own business. His choice of books, music, attire and friends would reflect his modern image.Most likely to opt for an automobile even if it is beyond his immediate means but ensure that his status is maintained.It is not unlikely that he will land into financial troubles but still have a way out. His travel would criss-cross the continents of the world and would most likely have an iPad, Iphone, Mac PC and other gadgets. His children would most probably follow his traits. He would be comfortable in bermudas in the evenings. He is likely to treat children as friends and help them share their concerns at any level.

 2b) Modern Wife: Like the modern husband may have been born to parents in the upper middle class income group and High Networth Individuals category. Or they may have acquired it at college and afterwards. This would be reflected in their dressing, manners, hairstyle, attitudes and beliefs, the company they keep. They will most probably be part of some ladies clubs and can often be seen in boutiques and fitness centres. They may have a professional job or run their own business independent of husband. They ride their own car and two wheeler and would most probably have independent views-- as opposed to their parents, husbands and friends. In Transactional Analysis their Adult and Child could be more activated- they are likely to be creative and innovative in business and work. Likely to see children as friends just as the dad does.

3 a) Eccentric Husband: An eccentric husband is most likely to be highly educated but hold beliefs or act in a manner which are often considered uncoventional. They may read a novel while walking on the road. They could be very creative types but dropped out of college and wear uncoventional dresses. The extreme eccentric case is that of Albert Einstein who picked up cigarette butts off the street to get tobacco for his pipe. An eccentric could avoid social gatherings and rather have a drink alone at a pub. They may read a book at the top of a tree. They would be least bothered about children and their studies but still share some fine moments with them from time to time.

"Eccentricity is often associated with genius, intellectual giftedness, or creativity. People may perceive the individual's eccentric behavior as the outward expression of their unique intelligence or creative impulse.[1] In this vein, the eccentric's habits are incomprehensible not because they are illogical or the result of madness, but because they stem from a mind so original that it cannot be conformed to societal norm" (WikiPedia)
As society sees lot of unconventional in them, they are also likely to be branded a bit mad but that is not so. Novelist Orhan Pamuk said on his eccentricity : In the mornings I used to say goodbye to my wife like someone going to work, I'd leave the house, walk around a few blocks, and come back like a person arriving at the office.

3 b) Eccentric Wife: Eccentric women have been found in the realm of arts, theatre, show business but we are not aware of eccentric women among middle class or upper middle class but such creative types are most likely to live alone but still making a lot of money from their profession. They need not necessarily come from an eccentric lineage but may have acquired it at some point in their life.

4 a) Perverted Man would see pervsion in almost anything-- a well dressed woman, a beautiful child. According to Wikipedia, perversion is a type of human behavior that deviates from that which is understood to be orthodox or normal.

It is not just related to sexuality alone but to a whole host of behavior that could have impact on social life. A perversion could be a hatred for anything produced by a foreign company. A pervision could be seeing ulterior motives in a boy and girl talking or walking together. Lot of such examples can be made out which applies to a perverted man and woman.

So what types fit in marriage 

For Sure: 1a and b: Traditional vs traditional which is not likely to run into trouble but life would still be routine and without excitement.
For sure: 2a and b: A modern can't be pitted against a traditonal-there could be clashes but among modern couples differences still can crop up that needs deft handling
For Sure: Eccentric vs Eccentric is likely to succeed as both are likely to be responsive to the other. But Eccentric may not match with the modern or the traditonal.Best eg of an eccentric: Myself telling synopsis of what I have read from philosophy, religion or psychology books to put my wife Aswathy to sleep. She likes it too-- says my sound is soothing, a sleeping pill!. Or somebody like me who doesn't like his wife to serve food but keep it where it is or find happiness in her teasing me..

Unsure: Perverted people could cause havoc every where and they can't be pitted against anyone.

Aberrations: It is possible that some people may be modern when it comes to dress but traditonal when it comes to thoughts and beliefs. Similarly, there are people are traditional in looks but whose thought could be progressive or modern. It is also possible that a traditional persona can have a bit of eccentricity, so also the modern.

No more secrets to a successful marriage!

Since childhood I  never believed in marriage and held on to it even at the time of my marriage in 1997 at the age of 27.  I hadn't observed any happy marriages although divorce rates were !esser at that time.

Socrates said by all means marry, if you are successful you are happy or you become a philosopher.

Sadly,looking around I don't find happy families although they appear to be so nor do I see a swelling of philosophers!

Instead you have couples in distress, groping in the dark,not knowing why they are not happy. Still others hold on feeling grudge towards each other but also feeling trapped. They believe they made the wrong choice and keep blaming themselves.

Still others break up or live separately. There was a classic case of a couple who held on till the marriage of their children and immediately went for divorce soon after.

I went into marriage more out of pressure from my mother who was alone after my father's death  and persuasion from friends and well wishers.

I could not marry the girls I loved or liked or the girls who admired  me. But I always believed whether or not you marry the person you love there must be love to keep a relationship going after marriage.

It was with this hope I invited Aswathy Visweswaran into my life. I don't know what attracted her to me and back.

To be frank our initial years were a mixture of melancholy, a little fun and no romance. Our life resembled Aravindan's art movies of yesteryears where one character speaks the other responds after a long gap!!! Ups and downs in my journalistic career only added to our cash flow worries.

We were poles apart in many things- she's an extrovert, me an introvert. She likes travel, I like reading, she likes Hindi films, I prefer music, she likes dressing up for the occassion , I wore an unkempt look- only differences!!!!

Frustration reached such highs she simply threw away the chain with the Thali and we both abandoned our wedding ring  long back.

After the second year, our son Darshan came to our life and perhaps he was one reason that kept us together. A congenital hole in his heart constantly kept us on our toes. But we were determined to raise our child differently giving our quality time. Aswathy never stops telling others of the effort I took for our children so that they turn out to be creative and intelligent. May be it will help them do well in life.

So what saved our marriage? In bestseller US novel Redemption - a journalism professor enters into an extra marital affair with a beautiful student while his wife forgets herself for a day with her childhood lover but in the end realizes her true love is for her estranged husband. Extramarital relationships are no solution for a marriage in distress. Or blaming each other for our misery.  Neither did we fall into depression or take to pills, alcohol or try to end life.
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Aswathy persevered hard to make some subtle changes in me- like the value of surprises, gifts, making other feel the love rather than bottle it. I always wanted her to be a mix of boldness, beauty, practical wisdom and manage things on her own. In 2004 July when she said she wanted to start a pharmacy business rather than being employed as a pharmacist on low salary, I readily agreed.-provided all the support and encourage ment. That in no small measure boldened her personality and manage crisis situations better.

I also wanted her English skills to improve and wear Saree more. We celebrated the arrival of our cute Diyah 10 years after Darshan. She leased off her business to spend more time with Diyah and the whole family.

As we are about to celebrate our 17 years of togetherness in July, in our new abode "Mercury" in Kochi which again is a result of her labor; our success from near disaster happened just because of the foundation of love on which our relationship was built. There was never any love lost between us but may be it took time to flower and blossom.

Even now we quarrel at times but settle it as quickly as possible.

Zumba & KrishnaJyothi Group
Lot of the changes that could can now be seen in Aswathy was no doubt the Zumba (fitness/dance) sessions at The Floor run by Arunima Gupta and Maria Roy in Kochi. I have no words to thank them for the confidence they created in her. Not to forget the tremendous contribution of Krishna Jyothi group in Kochi  led by KrishnaMani Ma'm, the satsangs and family get togethers that ensured positive energy flow in our family.

Recently she stunned the world cutting her hair short and sporting a more trendy look. Many wondered- did it have my approval--100 percent yes. She donated 12 inches of her silky hair for a charitable cause to make natural hair wigs for cancer patients gone bald and got herself groomed by stylist Ambika  Pillai as a bonus. It was also widely covered with photos in a few newspapers. Now it's my turn to shed my unkempt looks.!!

I come back to the headline of this article: there are no secrets for a happy marriage. Remember you were born into love and that was the gift you received first from your mother. Why don't we shed our egos and misunderstanding and build happy families based on this God given 4-letter word?

Tailpiece: Recently, Aswathy told some friends and family members she would like Sreekumar to be her husband in next life too!  I wonder shouldn't both of us not give our former lovers and admirers a chance?