Couples: Matching personality types may be the way to success in marriage

If you are tired of hearing the same solutions for a marriage that is going through difficult times: adjust, compromise and understand each other, I won't blame you.

For couples who are unwilling to shed their egos, it makes little sense to try these strategies. Haven't you heard, the ideal marriage would be between a deaf husband and a blind wife or something like that.

It is believed that no two individuals are alike and God made it that way. There are even differences between brothers and sisters, twin brothers and sisters born to the same parents. So how do you fit two people born and brought up in different families, socio-economic mileau or sometimes from different castes and religion to work out in real life?
I think we need to analyse the personality types to look for the right fit to happen in a marriage relationship.

1)Hardcore conventional

2)Modern

3)Eccentric

4)Perverted

Now let's find out the attributes of a hardcore conventional husband and wife:

1 a)Hardcore conventional husband: He is brought up on traditional family values and a stickler for rules and regulations. His personality expressed in Transactional analysis (Parent-Adult-Child) would be dominated by the Parent. Since his parent is dominating-he will hold onto moral values and his commandments will be do this, do that and not an inch more. He may believe in wife being subservient in all respects, also expect the wife to be 100% traditional in looks, beliefs and attitude. He may place his own family members above any one else and expect his wife and children to be like them and respect them. He may hold only coventional jobs, not a risk taker, not adventurous or romantic. He would like his wife to wash and iron his clothes,look after children, prepare food and serve them, keep the house clean. His job would be to go to office on time, return and enjoy reading a newspaper, book or simply watch TV. He may occasionaly take the family out for a film, shopping or weekend outing but again with pre-determined itinery.He may be a strict father to his children and believes in keeping family members in their proper places not giving undue freedom. In making purchases or planning something, he will still hold the upper hand although he may consult wife and children just for namesake. The conventional husband is conventional even in dressing-- he may not even wear a T-shirt or allow modern dresses to be worn by wife and children. He is likely to be a teetotler and a non-smoker.

1 b)Hardcore Conventional Wife: Like the hardcore conventional husband, the typical wife was also brought up on traditional values. No matter what you learn or achieve, you are going to end up in your husband's house obeying whatever they say. She will always remain a shadow of her husband and even if educated may not like to go for a job or because her husband's family doesn't like it. She willingly becomes part of the household and strive hard to be a good wife, mother, daughter-in-law and possibly not voice her thoughts and views for fear of being rejected or ridiculed. In transactional analysis (PAC), her Adult position may be weak and her Child was constantly directed to obey rather than question. He may not have any hobbies or interests and not likely to pursue them as she gets little time. She is expected to wear conventional dresses, hair style and make up, and obediently accompanying husband in social functions and events. Most often her role would be restricted to smiling, or saying "is it." However, in woman's company, these types may indulge in their favourite gossips to vent out their stress. After giving birth to children, they are not likely to be bothered about looks and end up rotound at the age of 40.

2 a)Modern Husband: He may have been born to parents having a modern outlook or acquired it while at college and subsequently on the job. A typical modern would have looks, manners, dressing and even attitude that reflect a global outlook. He may be member of more than a few clubs, play tennis or golf. He is most likely to be a  professional in a large company or running his own business. His choice of books, music, attire and friends would reflect his modern image.Most likely to opt for an automobile even if it is beyond his immediate means but ensure that his status is maintained.It is not unlikely that he will land into financial troubles but still have a way out. His travel would criss-cross the continents of the world and would most likely have an iPad, Iphone, Mac PC and other gadgets. His children would most probably follow his traits. He would be comfortable in bermudas in the evenings. He is likely to treat children as friends and help them share their concerns at any level.

 2b) Modern Wife: Like the modern husband may have been born to parents in the upper middle class income group and High Networth Individuals category. Or they may have acquired it at college and afterwards. This would be reflected in their dressing, manners, hairstyle, attitudes and beliefs, the company they keep. They will most probably be part of some ladies clubs and can often be seen in boutiques and fitness centres. They may have a professional job or run their own business independent of husband. They ride their own car and two wheeler and would most probably have independent views-- as opposed to their parents, husbands and friends. In Transactional Analysis their Adult and Child could be more activated- they are likely to be creative and innovative in business and work. Likely to see children as friends just as the dad does.

3 a) Eccentric Husband: An eccentric husband is most likely to be highly educated but hold beliefs or act in a manner which are often considered uncoventional. They may read a novel while walking on the road. They could be very creative types but dropped out of college and wear uncoventional dresses. The extreme eccentric case is that of Albert Einstein who picked up cigarette butts off the street to get tobacco for his pipe. An eccentric could avoid social gatherings and rather have a drink alone at a pub. They may read a book at the top of a tree. They would be least bothered about children and their studies but still share some fine moments with them from time to time.

"Eccentricity is often associated with genius, intellectual giftedness, or creativity. People may perceive the individual's eccentric behavior as the outward expression of their unique intelligence or creative impulse.[1] In this vein, the eccentric's habits are incomprehensible not because they are illogical or the result of madness, but because they stem from a mind so original that it cannot be conformed to societal norm" (WikiPedia)
As society sees lot of unconventional in them, they are also likely to be branded a bit mad but that is not so. Novelist Orhan Pamuk said on his eccentricity : In the mornings I used to say goodbye to my wife like someone going to work, I'd leave the house, walk around a few blocks, and come back like a person arriving at the office.

3 b) Eccentric Wife: Eccentric women have been found in the realm of arts, theatre, show business but we are not aware of eccentric women among middle class or upper middle class but such creative types are most likely to live alone but still making a lot of money from their profession. They need not necessarily come from an eccentric lineage but may have acquired it at some point in their life.

4 a) Perverted Man would see pervsion in almost anything-- a well dressed woman, a beautiful child. According to Wikipedia, perversion is a type of human behavior that deviates from that which is understood to be orthodox or normal.

It is not just related to sexuality alone but to a whole host of behavior that could have impact on social life. A perversion could be a hatred for anything produced by a foreign company. A pervision could be seeing ulterior motives in a boy and girl talking or walking together. Lot of such examples can be made out which applies to a perverted man and woman.

So what types fit in marriage 

For Sure: 1a and b: Traditional vs traditional which is not likely to run into trouble but life would still be routine and without excitement.
For sure: 2a and b: A modern can't be pitted against a traditonal-there could be clashes but among modern couples differences still can crop up that needs deft handling
For Sure: Eccentric vs Eccentric is likely to succeed as both are likely to be responsive to the other. But Eccentric may not match with the modern or the traditonal.Best eg of an eccentric: Myself telling synopsis of what I have read from philosophy, religion or psychology books to put my wife Aswathy to sleep. She likes it too-- says my sound is soothing, a sleeping pill!. Or somebody like me who doesn't like his wife to serve food but keep it where it is or find happiness in her teasing me..

Unsure: Perverted people could cause havoc every where and they can't be pitted against anyone.

Aberrations: It is possible that some people may be modern when it comes to dress but traditonal when it comes to thoughts and beliefs. Similarly, there are people are traditional in looks but whose thought could be progressive or modern. It is also possible that a traditional persona can have a bit of eccentricity, so also the modern.

No more secrets to a successful marriage!

Since childhood I  never believed in marriage and held on to it even at the time of my marriage in 1997 at the age of 27.  I hadn't observed any happy marriages although divorce rates were !esser at that time.

Socrates said by all means marry, if you are successful you are happy or you become a philosopher.

Sadly,looking around I don't find happy families although they appear to be so nor do I see a swelling of philosophers!

Instead you have couples in distress, groping in the dark,not knowing why they are not happy. Still others hold on feeling grudge towards each other but also feeling trapped. They believe they made the wrong choice and keep blaming themselves.

Still others break up or live separately. There was a classic case of a couple who held on till the marriage of their children and immediately went for divorce soon after.

I went into marriage more out of pressure from my mother who was alone after my father's death  and persuasion from friends and well wishers.

I could not marry the girls I loved or liked or the girls who admired  me. But I always believed whether or not you marry the person you love there must be love to keep a relationship going after marriage.

It was with this hope I invited Aswathy Visweswaran into my life. I don't know what attracted her to me and back.

To be frank our initial years were a mixture of melancholy, a little fun and no romance. Our life resembled Aravindan's art movies of yesteryears where one character speaks the other responds after a long gap!!! Ups and downs in my journalistic career only added to our cash flow worries.

We were poles apart in many things- she's an extrovert, me an introvert. She likes travel, I like reading, she likes Hindi films, I prefer music, she likes dressing up for the occassion , I wore an unkempt look- only differences!!!!

Frustration reached such highs she simply threw away the chain with the Thali and we both abandoned our wedding ring  long back.

After the second year, our son Darshan came to our life and perhaps he was one reason that kept us together. A congenital hole in his heart constantly kept us on our toes. But we were determined to raise our child differently giving our quality time. Aswathy never stops telling others of the effort I took for our children so that they turn out to be creative and intelligent. May be it will help them do well in life.

So what saved our marriage? In bestseller US novel Redemption - a journalism professor enters into an extra marital affair with a beautiful student while his wife forgets herself for a day with her childhood lover but in the end realizes her true love is for her estranged husband. Extramarital relationships are no solution for a marriage in distress. Or blaming each other for our misery.  Neither did we fall into depression or take to pills, alcohol or try to end life.
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Aswathy persevered hard to make some subtle changes in me- like the value of surprises, gifts, making other feel the love rather than bottle it. I always wanted her to be a mix of boldness, beauty, practical wisdom and manage things on her own. In 2004 July when she said she wanted to start a pharmacy business rather than being employed as a pharmacist on low salary, I readily agreed.-provided all the support and encourage ment. That in no small measure boldened her personality and manage crisis situations better.

I also wanted her English skills to improve and wear Saree more. We celebrated the arrival of our cute Diyah 10 years after Darshan. She leased off her business to spend more time with Diyah and the whole family.

As we are about to celebrate our 17 years of togetherness in July, in our new abode "Mercury" in Kochi which again is a result of her labor; our success from near disaster happened just because of the foundation of love on which our relationship was built. There was never any love lost between us but may be it took time to flower and blossom.

Even now we quarrel at times but settle it as quickly as possible.

Zumba & KrishnaJyothi Group
Lot of the changes that could can now be seen in Aswathy was no doubt the Zumba (fitness/dance) sessions at The Floor run by Arunima Gupta and Maria Roy in Kochi. I have no words to thank them for the confidence they created in her. Not to forget the tremendous contribution of Krishna Jyothi group in Kochi  led by KrishnaMani Ma'm, the satsangs and family get togethers that ensured positive energy flow in our family.

Recently she stunned the world cutting her hair short and sporting a more trendy look. Many wondered- did it have my approval--100 percent yes. She donated 12 inches of her silky hair for a charitable cause to make natural hair wigs for cancer patients gone bald and got herself groomed by stylist Ambika  Pillai as a bonus. It was also widely covered with photos in a few newspapers. Now it's my turn to shed my unkempt looks.!!

I come back to the headline of this article: there are no secrets for a happy marriage. Remember you were born into love and that was the gift you received first from your mother. Why don't we shed our egos and misunderstanding and build happy families based on this God given 4-letter word?

Tailpiece: Recently, Aswathy told some friends and family members she would like Sreekumar to be her husband in next life too!  I wonder shouldn't both of us not give our former lovers and admirers a chance?

India votes 2014: Can the electorate call for change from 'Pseudo-secular to 'secular'?

It is indeed interesting to watch the poll scene in India as the electorate gets prepared to cast their vote to send their representatives to the 16th Lok Sabha. Candidates are not running after the Aam Admi but after religious leaders perhaps to get their blessings and to influence a community under them. A welcome relief was Nandan Nilekani who decided to meet the Aam aadmi by travelling in buses and meeting people at their homes.

In the South Indian state of Kerala, Deen Kuriakose, a Youth Congress President and Idukki constituency candidate was virtually snubbed by Bishop Mathew Anikuzhikattil who also criticised outgoing MP PT Thomas and accused youth congress leaders for being arrogant and immature.

Leading comedian, Innocent contesting as CPM independent in Chalakudy constitutency also first went and met Christian religious leaders before beginning his campaign. Even as his name was proposed for LDF candidature, he met Catholic Archbishop of Thrissur Mar Andrews Thazhath and held talks with him. But Times of India said that he declined to divulge details of the talks.

Meanwhile, KPCC President V M Sudheeran sparked a row when he went to Nair Service Society (NSS) headquarters in Changanacherry in Central Kerala (Nairs represent upper class Hindus)- he didn't wait to meet its President Sukumaran Nair but went off in a hurry after paying tributes at Mannam Samadhi. It was considered improper and an insult to NSS.

One may wonder why religious leaders have say in politics when they should be confining themselves to religious and social activities. It was even evident in the case of Kasturi Rangan committee report which suggested several measures for the protection of Western Ghats. Several religious leaders also came out against this report which prima facie doesn't seem to have suggested eviction of existing houses or plantations identified as fragile and hence not permissible for human habitation.



Despite the 42nd Amendemnt of the Constitution declaring India as a secular republic, there is a strange intrusion of politics into religion and religion into politics. As some one jokingly put a Facebook book post: "I will only vote for a secular party but the candidate should be from my caste."

What the framers of Indian Constitution intended was not this kind of a secular India. People have the right to hold on to their religious beliefs and propagate them but State has not religion.

Policy makers at the centre considered minorities as vote banks and hence their appeasement caused Rashtriya Swayam Sevak (RSS) and its political outfit, BJP to emerge stronger over the years, according to one theory.

I can't understand why such differences were allowed to crop up once we declared the nation as 'secular', That is where the Aam Admi party is giving hope to the electorate as their major objective is not appeasement or propagation of Hindutva but fight against corruption and bring in good governance.

Readers ar(e requested to air their views on this interesting issue either in comments section or could send their write up to sreekumsree@gmail.com)

Is the Indian System of academics a Boon or a Bane?

By Darshan Sreekumar

   The Indian system of academics, like CBSE and ICSE, focus on teaching every single subject available. This starts from Primary School. The students are forced to learn all the subjects on the pre-defined curriculum, whether they like it or not.  They don’t care if a student is incapable of grasping a particular subject (say, subject ‘X’). They just expect him/her to somehow study and pass the exam, and the student if he/she fails in the Subject’ X’ exam, is detained. The question we need to ask ourselves is- Is this the right way??

Definitely not.  Each one of us has strength and a weakness. Nobody is perfect. What Indian system measures is the perfection put into each subject. This is what the student is assessed on. That is not what should be done. The students’ strengths and weaknesses should be identified, and they should be judged according to the perfection of their strengths.  My dad, once told me about his classmate in high school, who was kicked out of school because he failed in languages. However, he had scored 100% in mathematics. This is what my dad said: “this guy was amazing... he could solve math problems from 10^th grade when he was in 6^th grade. Think of it!!! However, with the way our system judged him, he was considered as ‘utter failure’. This unnamed person, is currently doing some business of his own, and couldn't come up in life the way he would have if he were a mathematician. We lost a great mathematician because of our poor judgement.

Well, if this is how it goes, I wouldn't be surprised if India’s development goes at a slow pace. We need to encourage students to pursue what they are capable of and what they love doing. This is the only way we can boost our development. In India, most parents force students to take up Medicine or Engineering as their subject in college. Why?? Just because they think it is the most paid job available. Seriously people... Think!!!  Those times are long gone!  This is the time of entrepreneurs and innovators. In today’s fast world only innovations can survive.  I'm not saying that students who are wholeheartedly interested in engineering/medicine should be pulled back.

This is the beginning of a new world. A world, where life is fast and systematic. In order to keep up, we have to change our academic system and our stereotypic minds. This is not only for individual development, but for the development of the entire nation.  We HAVE to opt for a change.  It’s up to the people to decide what they want, and I’m saying that this modern and ideal academic system is what we should try to implement.



This article was written by my son, Darshan, who is a 15-year old high school student... an avid music enthusiast, learning drums, guitar, and vocals. He  also has a passion for photography and technology. 

Music and Sound: Be your own Resul Pookutty!

By Sreekumar Raghavan
If you love hearing music, you can do so while working on your computer or even while reading and doing household chores. Tired of listening to music from Youtube using coventional headphones which was causing pain on my ears, pulled it out from the jack. Why not use the single jack head phone and connect it to green audio jack on the front of your PC?

To listen to or record music you needn't be a Oscar award winning Resul Pookutty or for that matter know anything about acoustics or physics. I tried it out with amazing results. All you need is a Realtek Audio and desire to listen to some good music.  If you are listening to your favourite classical Hindi song of Kishore Kumar you could perhaps opt for a 'room' atmosphere and select 'bass' or 'party' mood appropriate for the song. If you are listening to a rock or jazz, you have the option of 'auditorium' or concert hall and 'Rock' and 'Pop' settings.

For Chitti Babu's 'Temple Bells', rendering on Veena: 'Auditorium' and 'Classical' effect were just right while a Rafi melody was more melodious with a 'soft' and Rooom setting. Salil da's Chemmeen hits can have the appropriate 'sea' effect created in RealTek.

If you want to feel like Pookutty moving some tabs up and down, you have that too: Wave, S/W Synth, Front and Rear settings which can be adjusted to suit your taste.If you are recording with a micro phone, you have the option to adjust line, CD, microphone volume and do some + and - with stereo mixing.

When you do these with the basic features of RealTek, you learn what digitisation can do to music- both vocal and instrumental. Then you understand even an average singer's rendering can be made powerful at the backend with some intelligent technology.

Why buy iPhone, when you have better options??

by Darshan Sreekumar.

The apple iPhone, is pretty much like its name. It’s just an apple. People prefer to buy apples instead of bananas or gooseberries (which are much more nutritious) just because the apples look cool and are expensive. Same way, people prefer to buy apple Inc. products because they look cool and are expensive. There are many companies like Sony, Nokia, HTC, etc. which offer way better phones with bigger, sharper displays, better durability, faster processors, and better cameras, all at a much lower price. However, due to the iPhone’s high price and cool looks, it has become a sign of wealth and style. This attracts buyers from all sides. Personally, I prefer Sony Xperia Z1 over an Apple iPhone 5, because the Z1 is bigger, faster, user friendly, more durable (water, dust, and shock resistant) and is comparatively less expensive. The iPhone is not durable. All it takes is a strong bump, and the next thing you know, you're picking up iPhone pieces from the ground. Another main demerit of iPhone is its connectivity issues. You can’t send to/ receive from another non-Apple device via Bluetooth.

iPhone’s Wi-Fi hotspot can be accessed by another Apple product only . This is a quite a disadvantage when other phones in the market can connect to, send to, and receive from, any other device (except Apple products, of course). The other day, I was looking at Nexus 5 and Moto G, both from Google. These phones look cool, are lightning fast, and have crisp displays and mind blowing cameras. However, the mere fact that they are not expensive puts them behind the iPhone. What most people look for is something to show off with. When you have an iPhone, it highlights the fact you are rich enough to afford an expensive iPhone.

Think about Micromax and Xolo, which make cool phones at low prices, but aren’t noticed because they are not “popular”.

Google’s Android OS, used by many smartphone manufacturers today, is much more versatile, user friendly, and can perform more activities than Apple’s iOS.

The iOS has its limitations and cannot be customized beyond a limit, unlike Android which has no limitations, and can be customized to any extent. The only advantage of owning an iPhone is that you can show off. Nothing more, nothing less.

If anyone asked me to recommend a mobile phone manufacturer, I’m pretty sure my answer would be “Go for Sony, Nokia, HTC, Google or Samsung. But definitely not Apple”.

Please note: I mean to criticize no Apple products other than iPhone. I find iMac, MacBook, and iPod very useful, sensible, and impressive.

This article was written by my son, Darshan, who is a 15-year old high school student... an avid music enthusiast, learning drums, guitar, and vocals. He also has a passion for photography, technology.

Animal stereotypes in stories: My cat is adventurous!

Do animals have the characteristics attributed to it in stories that we tell our children? Is fox so cunning? Or for that matter the crocodile? Is elephant as intelligent or ants naughty?

Such stereotypes have found a place in children's literature and they get repeated again and again- it gets entrenched in our minds.

One of the bed time stories I weaved for Diyah the other day has a Pussy cat as the central character who is adventurous.

There was a pussy cat that liked to climb trees no matter what the height. The granpa and grandma in the house was scared of it. They woudl often shout: 'Pussy you will fall down." It fell several times, but landed on all fours and escaped injury.

On a this day, the cat wasn't lucky. It slipped  from a coconut tree into a nearby well. Tiger the dog began to bark inviting the attention of every one. Grandpa and Grandma rushed to the well to find Pussy hanging by its forelegs about to fall.Grandpa and grandpa shouted loud, "Pussy in the well" while the Tiger continued to bark.

Balu, a 8 year old boy staying next house came running with two poles. It helped support Pussy hind legs with one pole and kept the other one on top so that it can release its fore legs and catch on to it. All those gathered around slowly pulled the poles up while Pussy balanced its legs in two poles.

And soon the Pussy was out of the well and ran to the front of the house. Grandpa was eager to scold him but Balu said let it take a well deserved rest. All those gathered showered praise on Balu for saving the Pussy.

But there was no stopping the adventurous Pussy much to the dismay of the grandma and g

randpa.Meanwhile, I found Diyah fast asleep as the story ended.