What matters more for us – Indian identity or religious identity?

India by its Constitution is a secular, democratic republic. What is meant by that? Every person has a right to believe and worship his religion. Over a period of time, if we really went by the ideals of our Constitution we would have gone a step further and truly appreciated the good in other religions.
Lighting a lamp is considered sacred in Hinduism and in Christian functions you find candles are lit.

Islam doesn’t sanctify the lighting of the lamp and therefore some leaders of the Indian Union Muslim League (IUML) refused to light the traditional lamp during a government function in recent years- it included P K Kunhalikutty and E Ahmed, both ministers at State and Centre respectively at one point of time.  But recently at a function in Rajagiri School, Kochi, APM Mohammmed Hanish, an IAS officer and Secretary, Education lighted the lamp, so did V K Ibrahim Kunju, former Minister and MLA who attended the function.

A Lamp is considered to awaken our consciousness and shed the darkness of ignorance with the light of knowledge.In many houses, lighting the lamp in the morning and evening is a ritual and is considered to bring positive energy.

And now Shailaja Teacher, a CPM leader and Health Minster belonging to LDF government in Kerala has taken exception to the recital of a Hindu prayer during the state level celebration of International Day of Yoga on June 21 at the State Capital in Thiruvananthapuram. In Chandigarh, Prime Minister Narendra Modi described Yoga as not a religious tradition but a scientifically proven method to attain health and wellness.

I hope most Communists are atheists- so is Shailaja Teacher. She may have differences of opinion on the issue of reciting a prayer in the beginning of a Yoga programme but she shouldn’t have expressed it at the venue. It could be construed as disrespect to millions of believers in Hinduism in the same way she was arguing it could have hurt the sentiments of non-believers or followers of other religions who may have their own methods to attain concentration of the mind before a yoga session. Photos of her not being involved in the meditative session and looking angry was splashed in the newspapers and television. Sitting by her side was V S Sivakumar, MLA and a former minister in the State. If every citizen of India is keen on seeing Yoga as a scientific way of attaining health and wellness, will this public outburst by a Minister and leader help in any way?

Shailaja Teacher has pointed out that as per the Indian Constitution there are believers and non-believers.  But my reading of Article 25 reveals that Constitution is silent on non-believers or atheists. It doesn’t mention any such term. It only says Citizens and even aliens in India are free to profess, propagate their religious faith and State does not have any religion of its own. My interpretation is that the Constitution is silent on non-believers. It is only bothered about people who are keen to believe and profess a religion about which it is quite neutral but enough safeguards have been put so that there is no governmental promotion or funding of any religion and state the right to impose restrictions if their activity impinges on public order, morality,health, social welfare and reform …

What is more important nationality or religious identity?
I am coming back to the question raised in the beginning of this piece- are we truly secular? Are we Indians first or religion matters more.  A boy or girl of different caste or religion falls in love but when they decide to marry- obstacles start coming in front of them- either of them will have to convert to other religion if the marriage is to happen. 

Religion was no obstacle for them to fall in love, how come they become vital for married life? You are constantly reminded of your religion and caste as every government application form or a registration form to an educational institution carries question on religion and caste. I know a girl who applied to Christ University and stated her religion and love and truth. She was given admission and completed her course.

You go to a restaurant and order food—who are the people who work behind the scenes to make it- to what caste and religion they belong and even the waiter- do you ask his religion before you eat the food served?

Our framers of the Constitution allowed religious freedom with a good purpose- let the citizens find their own ways to be spiritually uplifted but possibly never wanted people to be identified with it even as it gave the freedom to publicly air their beliefs and practices.

With religion being a powerful force across the world, how did a minority non-believers or atheists come about? Is it because Karl Marx and his lineage believed that religion is the opium of the masses and was critical of it? Or is it because scientific reasoning and temper helped temper blind belief in religious practices? How come the large number of scientists adore the Indian scriptures and see the wisdom and see the omnipotent, ominiscient force that is invisible to us?

Father as a proactive parent

When it comes to marriage and parenting there are always lots of issues to be discussed in the media and in open forums but no consensus probably emerges. The traditional view was that husband would bring all the money needed for the family by going out for work while the wife would look after the household and children.

With nuclear families consisting of father, mother and maximum two to three children becoming the norm and wife also becoming a bread-earner, the need for the father to take a proactive rather than a passive role in parenting has emerged.

Women are seen to be good at multi-tasking -managing the children, household work, job or business, and also look after husband’s requirements.  In some families, the father assumes no role in supporting children’s studies, their physical and emotional needs as it is considered the domain of the mother. In some cases, his busy job schedule or business is cited as a reason for the passive role taken by the father.

Both Father and Mother are role models
I remember my childhood days. I looked upon my father, a state government employee,  as a role model in the meticulous way he drafted letters, handled office files, helped someone who was finding it difficult to get the work done from his office, as was his punctuality. Whatever, his other shortcomings, I imbibed an important lesson regarding work. Even now as I write and complete an article, I verify it a few times for spelling, grammatical errors before sending it for publication or uploading in my blog. If I am too tired, I get it done by someone else.

Likewise, I admired my mother (also a government official) for juggling life between office, home and sometimes hospital when my father used to be admitted for heart ailments as was her ability to manage people to get things done. Our parents are also human and also not perfect having their own shortcomings but we tend to ignore them and get inspired by the positive qualities they possessed.

This goes on to prove that children are watching each of our activity very closely than we assume.  Therefore, how we behave with our colleagues, friends, neighbours, relatives and how we regard our work and business all have a bearing on the development of the personality of the child. I remember, in Rajagiri  Public School in Kochi where my daughter studies, I have been an active member of Parent Teacher Association (PTA) for the past three years. But most parents are unwilling to volunteer for any activity citing either lack of time or inability to take any responsibility. Then the management and teachers naturally ask a very pertinent question:  You want your children to take leadership roles, be outstanding and successful in school and career. But by not taking a leadership role when an opportunity comes right in front of you, are you giving the right message to your children?

Husband is your partner, not boss

Recently, my wife Aswathy reminded me when we quaraled , “Hey, you are not my boss but an equal partner in a relationship. “ I realized it was quite true. (The fact is that we are really good friends, that’s another story!)

Traditional view still having some religious approval is that husband should be considered the boss and wife the subordinate. The other day I attended the wedding of my neighbor in a church in Kochi belonging to Latin Catholic. There the priest said the wife would serve the husband and he shall always love her. And the children born to them should be seen as God’s children.

You might have heard of Kahlil Gibran’s famous quote repeated across the world by speakers and writers : Your Children are not your Children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. .. they  come through you, but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts…..

If we see children as life’s continuum happening through us for a noble cause, we would treat our children differently than if we considered it as our own property.

Family,the basic unit

Family is the basic unit in society- our first friend, supporters, teachers and philosophers are all our parents. Happy families are built on the foundation of happy marriages based on unconditional love, understanding and mutual trust.  If the husband is seen constantly ridiculing or critcising his wife in front of their children, it will have negative impact on them.

The purpose of elaborate arrangements for marriage in Churches in Christian, Muslim marriages, or solemnized by the community in the case of Hindus, is to instill the importance of marriage and how to keep the relationship divine among the couples. It is through their union, new offsprings are born and subsequently inherit their wealth and wisdom.

Even while respecting the sermons in Churches or differing views religion may have on marriages. I personally think the modern paradigm of an equal partner relationship in marriage would be more appropriate. If couples are aware of their equal roles in all aspects related to marriage including children, finances, savings, managing household matters, it would put equal responsibility on both the partners to make the relationship work.

Happy families in turn lead to happy children and who go on to become responsible citizens.

(The author, an award winning media professional, is happily married to Aswathy, a pharmacist turned Zumba fitness professional and they have two kids-Darshan  (16) and Diyah (7))

Couples: Matching personality types may be the way to success in marriage

If you are tired of hearing the same solutions for a marriage that is going through difficult times: adjust, compromise and understand each other, I won't blame you.

For couples who are unwilling to shed their egos, it makes little sense to try these strategies. Haven't you heard, the ideal marriage would be between a deaf husband and a blind wife or something like that.

It is believed that no two individuals are alike and God made it that way. There are even differences between brothers and sisters, twin brothers and sisters born to the same parents. So how do you fit two people born and brought up in different families, socio-economic mileau or sometimes from different castes and religion to work out in real life?
I think we need to analyse the personality types to look for the right fit to happen in a marriage relationship.

1)Hardcore conventional

2)Modern

3)Eccentric

4)Perverted

Now let's find out the attributes of a hardcore conventional husband and wife:

1 a)Hardcore conventional husband: He is brought up on traditional family values and a stickler for rules and regulations. His personality expressed in Transactional analysis (Parent-Adult-Child) would be dominated by the Parent. Since his parent is dominating-he will hold onto moral values and his commandments will be do this, do that and not an inch more. He may believe in wife being subservient in all respects, also expect the wife to be 100% traditional in looks, beliefs and attitude. He may place his own family members above any one else and expect his wife and children to be like them and respect them. He may hold only coventional jobs, not a risk taker, not adventurous or romantic. He would like his wife to wash and iron his clothes,look after children, prepare food and serve them, keep the house clean. His job would be to go to office on time, return and enjoy reading a newspaper, book or simply watch TV. He may occasionaly take the family out for a film, shopping or weekend outing but again with pre-determined itinery.He may be a strict father to his children and believes in keeping family members in their proper places not giving undue freedom. In making purchases or planning something, he will still hold the upper hand although he may consult wife and children just for namesake. The conventional husband is conventional even in dressing-- he may not even wear a T-shirt or allow modern dresses to be worn by wife and children. He is likely to be a teetotler and a non-smoker.

1 b)Hardcore Conventional Wife: Like the hardcore conventional husband, the typical wife was also brought up on traditional values. No matter what you learn or achieve, you are going to end up in your husband's house obeying whatever they say. She will always remain a shadow of her husband and even if educated may not like to go for a job or because her husband's family doesn't like it. She willingly becomes part of the household and strive hard to be a good wife, mother, daughter-in-law and possibly not voice her thoughts and views for fear of being rejected or ridiculed. In transactional analysis (PAC), her Adult position may be weak and her Child was constantly directed to obey rather than question. He may not have any hobbies or interests and not likely to pursue them as she gets little time. She is expected to wear conventional dresses, hair style and make up, and obediently accompanying husband in social functions and events. Most often her role would be restricted to smiling, or saying "is it." However, in woman's company, these types may indulge in their favourite gossips to vent out their stress. After giving birth to children, they are not likely to be bothered about looks and end up rotound at the age of 40.

2 a)Modern Husband: He may have been born to parents having a modern outlook or acquired it while at college and subsequently on the job. A typical modern would have looks, manners, dressing and even attitude that reflect a global outlook. He may be member of more than a few clubs, play tennis or golf. He is most likely to be a  professional in a large company or running his own business. His choice of books, music, attire and friends would reflect his modern image.Most likely to opt for an automobile even if it is beyond his immediate means but ensure that his status is maintained.It is not unlikely that he will land into financial troubles but still have a way out. His travel would criss-cross the continents of the world and would most likely have an iPad, Iphone, Mac PC and other gadgets. His children would most probably follow his traits. He would be comfortable in bermudas in the evenings. He is likely to treat children as friends and help them share their concerns at any level.

 2b) Modern Wife: Like the modern husband may have been born to parents in the upper middle class income group and High Networth Individuals category. Or they may have acquired it at college and afterwards. This would be reflected in their dressing, manners, hairstyle, attitudes and beliefs, the company they keep. They will most probably be part of some ladies clubs and can often be seen in boutiques and fitness centres. They may have a professional job or run their own business independent of husband. They ride their own car and two wheeler and would most probably have independent views-- as opposed to their parents, husbands and friends. In Transactional Analysis their Adult and Child could be more activated- they are likely to be creative and innovative in business and work. Likely to see children as friends just as the dad does.

3 a) Eccentric Husband: An eccentric husband is most likely to be highly educated but hold beliefs or act in a manner which are often considered uncoventional. They may read a novel while walking on the road. They could be very creative types but dropped out of college and wear uncoventional dresses. The extreme eccentric case is that of Albert Einstein who picked up cigarette butts off the street to get tobacco for his pipe. An eccentric could avoid social gatherings and rather have a drink alone at a pub. They may read a book at the top of a tree. They would be least bothered about children and their studies but still share some fine moments with them from time to time.

"Eccentricity is often associated with genius, intellectual giftedness, or creativity. People may perceive the individual's eccentric behavior as the outward expression of their unique intelligence or creative impulse.[1] In this vein, the eccentric's habits are incomprehensible not because they are illogical or the result of madness, but because they stem from a mind so original that it cannot be conformed to societal norm" (WikiPedia)
As society sees lot of unconventional in them, they are also likely to be branded a bit mad but that is not so. Novelist Orhan Pamuk said on his eccentricity : In the mornings I used to say goodbye to my wife like someone going to work, I'd leave the house, walk around a few blocks, and come back like a person arriving at the office.

3 b) Eccentric Wife: Eccentric women have been found in the realm of arts, theatre, show business but we are not aware of eccentric women among middle class or upper middle class but such creative types are most likely to live alone but still making a lot of money from their profession. They need not necessarily come from an eccentric lineage but may have acquired it at some point in their life.

4 a) Perverted Man would see pervsion in almost anything-- a well dressed woman, a beautiful child. According to Wikipedia, perversion is a type of human behavior that deviates from that which is understood to be orthodox or normal.

It is not just related to sexuality alone but to a whole host of behavior that could have impact on social life. A perversion could be a hatred for anything produced by a foreign company. A pervision could be seeing ulterior motives in a boy and girl talking or walking together. Lot of such examples can be made out which applies to a perverted man and woman.

So what types fit in marriage 

For Sure: 1a and b: Traditional vs traditional which is not likely to run into trouble but life would still be routine and without excitement.
For sure: 2a and b: A modern can't be pitted against a traditonal-there could be clashes but among modern couples differences still can crop up that needs deft handling
For Sure: Eccentric vs Eccentric is likely to succeed as both are likely to be responsive to the other. But Eccentric may not match with the modern or the traditonal.Best eg of an eccentric: Myself telling synopsis of what I have read from philosophy, religion or psychology books to put my wife Aswathy to sleep. She likes it too-- says my sound is soothing, a sleeping pill!. Or somebody like me who doesn't like his wife to serve food but keep it where it is or find happiness in her teasing me..

Unsure: Perverted people could cause havoc every where and they can't be pitted against anyone.

Aberrations: It is possible that some people may be modern when it comes to dress but traditonal when it comes to thoughts and beliefs. Similarly, there are people are traditional in looks but whose thought could be progressive or modern. It is also possible that a traditional persona can have a bit of eccentricity, so also the modern.