Adultery Not a Crime, is Soliciting Directly or Through Social Media an Offence?

The Supreme Court has scrapped Section 497 of IPC that treats adultery as a criminal offence. The Court has ruled that any issues relating to extra-marital relationships in a marriage has to be settled between husband and wife either taking a forgiving attitude or divorce.

Lot of discussions and trolls are happening on this issue but one question that was raised by one of my friends in the media was whether soliciting an extra-marital relationship either directly or through social media would be considered an offence. Although I don't have a legal background, assuming my logic and common sense (quite uncommon!) proves right, I would set out the broader implications of the SC verdict for the benefit of larger section of doubting thomasses and anxious people seeking adventure!

1. Adultery is no longer considered a crime. Here it is assumed that both parties in the extra-marital affair (the different combinations- married man and unmarried woman, married man and married woman, unmarried man and married woman) enter in the relationship out of mutual liking and without any force or coercion. And most importantly, fully aware of the consequences arising out of it. You may call it anything, 'love' or 'nature's call' or whatever. So long as a third person doesn't know about it, everything is fine and provided it brings no new burden to life!

2. The second part is as my media friend asked, a man and woman know each other for a while and one of them wants to send a message across either directly or through social media that he or she needs to get closer!. Fine. Again it's only a nature's call. But either of the two have the right to refusal. If the man or the woman persists with it despite the other person showing no interest or refusing the act, then it is intimidation, harassment or abuse whatever crime you can attribute to it. In some case the male ego can be hurt, they may use the social media or other channels to defame the lady, so naturally it's harassment. Here Section 354A of IPC can be invoked.

3.It is important to note that provisions for providing protection for sexual harassment against women in IPC has not been revoked. Therefore, women continue to enjoy the protection provided by law against harassment in public places, at work or at home.

The Supreme Court has observed that Section 497 of IPC came into force due to the patriarchal nature of our society. A man who engages in an extra-marital affair is seen as machoistic while a woman who engages in it is considered 'immoral'. One doctor friend of mine once asked what is the difference between a prostitute and a woman who indulges in a sexual relationship outside of marriage? There is a huge difference. In the case of the former, she is doing it for money or a livelihood while in the latter it is out of what we have said above- 'love' or 'nature's call'. That same patriarchy principle applies when a suspecting husband starts spying on the spouse's whatsapp and even forcibly snatches away the smart phone to end it all.

Going by the amount of space and time devoted to the three-letter word, sometimes it may be right to say that mankind is more a sexual being than spiritual. A Times of India report of 2 December 2014 stated that 76% of Indian women and 61% men did not think infidelity was a sin based on a survey of over 75000 people.
No doubt  man-woman relationships is a very sensitive issue. But the sad part is that we don't seem to have better things to talk about- may be about the origin of the universe as George Bernard Shaw said when people could have more leisure, the wonders of nature, the happiness of children playing or the seas and rivers, the beautiful flowers or the trees that bloom everywhere.

( I invite readers to share their views and opinions on this topic)

Women and Sex remain the best sellers ever

Recently, accusations were made against senior political leaders in the South Indian state of Kerala of having received sexual favours in turn for granting solar projects. It included the Chief Minister Oomen Chandy, ministers Shibu Baby John, AP Anil Kumar and  legislator Haibi Eden. Saritha S Nair who is at the heart of the controversy denied the allegations made by her former business partner Biju Radhakrishnan before the Solar Panel investigating into the scam that rocked Kerala.

Kiss of Love
The couples who created a storm last year with the Kiss of Love campaign asserting their right to kiss in public and protest against moral policing have now been arrested for child sex trafficking and an online sex racket. Resmi S Nair, a model pointed out that after the fallout of the Kiss of Love campaign, she was being used by her husband to indulge in various sex rackets.

Sex & Women sell
Naturally, enough  the social media, whatsapp, electronic and print media immediately carry and share such stories with prominence because ultimately se and women sell better. In this backdrop, I saw a sensible post from Manu Kappan, my friend, in Face Book.

Here I quote Manu :

Kiss of Love, Prostitution and Moral Policing
Kiss of Love : 10 participants and 1 million spectators and I belong to neither and I can’t be bothered.

Prostituition : Its the oldest profession in the world and will exist as long as the world does. As long as the parties involved are consenting adults, none of my business.

Moral Policing : To put it crudely “morality flows out when someone is not getting it” or simply its a case of sour grapes. When I read the comments of certain people on social media, the only things I can see are sexual depravation and cultural poverty. For them women can never be persons with mind and emotions, but only body parts. The main reason for this cultural poverty is that they lived in a segregated society and only leered at women from a distance. The only thing I want to tell you people is that the minds of the younger generation who grow up mingling with each other are nowhere as dirty as yours.

I agree with some of the observations of Manu but not all. That concerns prostitution and position women occupy in Indian society. I have read the autobiography of some eminent men like distinguished diplomat KPS Menon who himself admits to having gone before marriage for one such adventure to get a feel of it.  I can’t understand how someone can be put to such hardship either because men and even boys need to get a taste of sex first before marriage or want to have a different feel  sharing bed with their wives . It is hard to believe that these women chose the profession willingly. Or is the society thinking how painful or drudgery it could be to undress before several men in their lives without a feeling of love?

And despite the huge market for prostitutes women and girls who lead normal lives are also targeted and Nirbhaya of Delhi, ‘Suryanelli’ girl in Kerala who continue to be harassed but non-sexually are all grim reminders of this.

The other day, I was discussing with a friend- Indian cannot improve if it refuses to change its attitude to women. We have a national pledge that says  India is our country. All Indians are my brothers and sisters. And After all a boy or a girl, all come from a women’s womb, conceived taken care and delivered with much pain and risk. Anthropologically, speaking human child birth appears more riskier than others in the animal kingdom because our bi-pedal posture. Hence we should be grateful we were born in the first place. How come that we are not able to make our girls bold, get boys to respect them and acknowledge that they too should be granted liberty just as men?

Sex should be seen as an intimate, consensual affair between two closely known people and which should not be discussed with others. However, when there is an element of force is involved and against the wishes of the woman- that’s when the law has to intervene. However, men are still free to rape their wives, as per a recent court order!

Here is my wish list with respect to women & sex
Decades ago I remmber Sunday magazine carrying a cover story on sex starved Indians. However, with economic growth and perhaps the influence of media, men-women relations have become more liberal & a bit permissive. However, the society continues to grapple with the man-women relationship issue and how it should be defined.

In this backdrop, here is my wishlist on how our attitude to women, girls and sex in general can be changed:

1) People should stop discussing about sex openly or giving undue importance for it in the media.
2) Boys need to be taught at a young age to respect girls and women. They are not objects to be pounced upon,  nudged, beaten or harassed.
3) An effort has to be made to reduce and do away with prostitution. It’s true that many women and girls who were rescued tend to return may be because their minds have become empty enough to think about any other worthwhile profession.
4) Those using social media should ensure that they don’t share or spread pictures, stories that demean women.

(I have published this blog deliberately with out pictures as I don't to want to attract any reader attention based on the graphics or pictures)

Choli Ke Peechey Kya Hai: It keeps a man guessing!

What's behind a woman's blouse? The Bollywood hit song from Khalnayak of early 1990's jokingly says it's the heart!

Unlike other mammals, human female breasts are now considered more of a sexual organ than a mammary gland that springs into life following child birth.

Desmond Morris, best selling author of Body Watching, Human Watching, Naked Ape...series of books that look at humans from a zoological perspective have already traced the evolution of breast from a mammary gland to a sexually attractive organ in female.

According to Carol Jahne, a writer in The Guardian, UK, the plump bosom in the human ape is an anomoly. No other mammals have a permanent breast. The writer points out that the sex appeal of rounded female buttocks and plump breasts is both universal and unique to the human primate.

The evolutionary process has also wired into female psyche the need to have large breasts and cancer patients and specialists who attended a recent talk show on TV felt they felt most awkward when breasts had to be removed to prevent spread of malignant tumour. This in turn has led to a growing industry for silicone breast implants.

The evolution of the breast as a sex organ has also paved the way for a multi-billion dollar lingerie industry with its market size seen at 1.6 bn to 2 bn pieces worldwide. And the best part is that women and designers are now more keen to come up with dresses that don't fully reveal the bosom but still ensure that men keep guessing and feel attracted! 

Why men fall into love, an exploration into its mysteries

I had written in an earlier blog post that I never believed in marriage. But much before that I was afraid of falling in love! I had a philosopher friend in Ajith during our PG days at Kerala University. He often quoted Osho Rajneesh and other gurus and said falling in love is like catching the tail of a leopard- you suffer even if you hold it or leave it. When you fall in love- if you marry then you still run into trouble or if you don't you suffer the pangs of separation.

In college days, I always delighted in watching pretty girls and wished some of them admired me but never wanted to fall in love. Yet, it was amusing to watch friends and classmates falling in love. Despite my best efforts, I couldn't escape that experience and suffered on that count for at least a few months when I knew it will not work out.

Is there any reason for men falling in love and what really happens after that? The phenomenon of love is still a mystery for many and literature, art,films,drama all explore various aspects of it and it never ends because there is an aura of mystery surrounding it every one may not grasp.

There is a biological reason behind it: Unless a man and woman fall in love and decide to stay together, there will not be offsprings and mankind will not sustain. Anthropologically speaking, the sustenance of mankind was related to the ability of people to fall in love and maintain a family life. Scientists say that a hormone called oxytocin is produced when two people fall in love- even gazing at some one can release this hormone or thinking about them. That is why couples who can't get intimate are given doses of synthetically produced oxytocin to stimulte the brain into falling in love.

So the next time you blame some one for falling into love, remember it is the powerful hormone oxytocin, a neuro transmitter in the brain that is doing the trick. Research into love has generated very interesting insights in this area:

- Men are naturally attracted to pretty women because they find in them a potential to give birth to a beautiful off spring.

-I remember an interesting cover story in Mirror magazine published from Mumbai (now closed down) long time back titled- Should you marry a pretty woman? It said probability of failures in marriage are more in pretty women than average women. I think it works this way- if the man who has married the pretty women is low in self esteem and turns out to be a bad partner- chances are that there are several others in line waiting to grab the treasure! A low self esteemed person is also likely to be more possessive and hence cause marital problems. It could happen in the case of a handsome man and an average woman also.

- It is also said that man can't hide the fact that they are in love: either they start singing, or show visible changes in body language, appearance or even announce unknowingly to those close to them. Here again, anthropology provides some clues: From ancient times, man's status was dependent on attracting the opposite sex and the fairer the better - this boosts his self esteem among his peers and establishes his masculinity. On the other hand women then and now had to be careful not to announce such things until it can be formalised. These days man need not show this kind of masculinity but may be it's a vestige of our hunter-gatherer days.

-Are Indians sex thirsty? I remember reading a provoking cover story in Sunday magazine long time back which said Indian men whether married or not were sex thirsty. There are several reasons why it could be true although the story evoked mixed response from the readers at that time. We are not a permissive society as in the west and hence it is quite natural for men to look for pleasures beyond their wives. Aligned to this is the question whether there can be platonic relationship between a man and women devoid of sex? There are still no clear answers to this- a woman still need to guess when a man shows closeness- whether it's intended for physical needs or just for friendship. That's one reason why daughters right from high school levels are often told to be cautious while dealing with the opposite sex.

- Is there an age to fall in love: Again there are no minimum or maximum age limits. I remember a friend of mine at school falling in love in fifth grade (10 years) with his classmate, sustaining it till college and eventually marrying and now possibly leading a happy life. On the other hand you can also find people like Digvijay Singh, an Indian minister falling in love with a much younger woman at the age of 67. And he has been charged with adultery.

- Love triangles and extra-marital affairs: Films, novels, dramas have all dealt with this theme in various ways that I don't want to analyse it here. However, marriage as an institution is a human creation and in pre-historic times it was likely that couples had multiple partners but as evolutionary changes took place for better upkeep of offspring, their growth and development- mankind had to stick to single partners and it has been legalised in many countries. But the urge to move out of the boundary and explore can't be contained that easily. It accentuates when either partner feels an inadequacy in the relationship and soon all problems begin to crop up. That's why psychologists say it's very important to retain romance.

- The jilted lovers: Again literature and cinema abounds in this- some times jilted lovers remain chronic bachelors all their suffering the pangs of a dream that didn't turn out to be true. Others who marry someone else also retain memories of their old sweet hearts that continue to haunt them. I remember several films where the dejected lover sings a song as his former sweet heart goes off with the bride groom after the wedding function.But the better option is for the dejected lover to be far away so that memories aren't evoked and make his present married life miserable.

As I have said before in my blog, Bhagwan Rajneesh has likened love to the ultimate Truth. When two people fall in love- that's truth, but thereafter when they start thinking in terms of marriage,caste-religion problems, live-in relationships or start getting worried on parental approval-reality sets in.
Often it is painfall for both the partners. Wishing all luck to lovers!

A long time skeptic now sees Enlightenment in Marriage!

Since early childhood I have been attending wedding functions and witnessing the formation of new families. However, my search for a fuller understandng on why mankind needs marriage is perhaps reaching fruition now.

My mother used to say marriage brings discipline and purpose to life. My first guide and mentor in the media world, Mr Hari Kartha, always reminded me of the four stages of life mentioned in our scriptures- childhood, teenage, youth and old age. A youth needs to marry and lead a settled life with wife and children before renouncing all this and seek salvation.

According to Swami Sukha Bodhananda enlightenment should be our intention in life. "Even marriage ultimately leads to enlightenment. Before getting married you lived for yourself. The moment you married 'I' in you has to be divided into two. If you continue with only the 'I', your wife will finish you. The 'I' in you gets expanded to include the two of you or else you would become self-centered. From the Union of two you get children."

So one thing is very important in marriage: the dilution of ego. I have already stated in my first blog post on marriage that love is the foundation on which a successful marriage can be built.

In order for love to flow, ego is a hindrance. So first we need to start shedding it.

As Bhagawan Rajneesh said when a boy or a girl meet, there is a point where each of them feel the love towards each other and forget themselves temporarily may for seconds or minutes-that is Truth or a samadhi state. But once you come out of it, you fall in the realm of Reality. What next: should we remain lovers or think of marriage. Will our parents accept the relationship and related issues of caste, wealth, religion all crop up-- the truth is lost and reality sets in. According to Rajneesh, Reality is Truth interpreted. (This is the best possible definition of Truth and Reality I have stumbled upon in my readings).

I remember our high school NCERT text book on biology which had a chapter on reproduction. It said a marriage was not about sexual attraction, kissing, inter-course, child birth, but lot of subtle family, cultural, ethical, societal factors come into play to make it a success.

How many of us rush into marriage not knowing what is the purpose behind it, what is the goal, what are the foundations required to make it a success.Therein lies the crux of the problem we see in marriages.

I was seeking an answer to all these in the past 40 years and it was only a casual reading of Shiva Mantras by Swami Sukhabodhananda (thanks to KrishnaMani Ma'm of KrishnaJyothi Group) that skepticism about marriage has now started vanishing. If someone had told this to me 17 years ago, what miracle would have happened to my family life?