Father as a proactive parent

When it comes to marriage and parenting there are always lots of issues to be discussed in the media and in open forums but no consensus probably emerges. The traditional view was that husband would bring all the money needed for the family by going out for work while the wife would look after the household and children.

With nuclear families consisting of father, mother and maximum two to three children becoming the norm and wife also becoming a bread-earner, the need for the father to take a proactive rather than a passive role in parenting has emerged.

Women are seen to be good at multi-tasking -managing the children, household work, job or business, and also look after husband’s requirements.  In some families, the father assumes no role in supporting children’s studies, their physical and emotional needs as it is considered the domain of the mother. In some cases, his busy job schedule or business is cited as a reason for the passive role taken by the father.

Both Father and Mother are role models
I remember my childhood days. I looked upon my father, a state government employee,  as a role model in the meticulous way he drafted letters, handled office files, helped someone who was finding it difficult to get the work done from his office, as was his punctuality. Whatever, his other shortcomings, I imbibed an important lesson regarding work. Even now as I write and complete an article, I verify it a few times for spelling, grammatical errors before sending it for publication or uploading in my blog. If I am too tired, I get it done by someone else.

Likewise, I admired my mother (also a government official) for juggling life between office, home and sometimes hospital when my father used to be admitted for heart ailments as was her ability to manage people to get things done. Our parents are also human and also not perfect having their own shortcomings but we tend to ignore them and get inspired by the positive qualities they possessed.

This goes on to prove that children are watching each of our activity very closely than we assume.  Therefore, how we behave with our colleagues, friends, neighbours, relatives and how we regard our work and business all have a bearing on the development of the personality of the child. I remember, in Rajagiri  Public School in Kochi where my daughter studies, I have been an active member of Parent Teacher Association (PTA) for the past three years. But most parents are unwilling to volunteer for any activity citing either lack of time or inability to take any responsibility. Then the management and teachers naturally ask a very pertinent question:  You want your children to take leadership roles, be outstanding and successful in school and career. But by not taking a leadership role when an opportunity comes right in front of you, are you giving the right message to your children?

Husband is your partner, not boss

Recently, my wife Aswathy reminded me when we quaraled , “Hey, you are not my boss but an equal partner in a relationship. “ I realized it was quite true. (The fact is that we are really good friends, that’s another story!)

Traditional view still having some religious approval is that husband should be considered the boss and wife the subordinate. The other day I attended the wedding of my neighbor in a church in Kochi belonging to Latin Catholic. There the priest said the wife would serve the husband and he shall always love her. And the children born to them should be seen as God’s children.

You might have heard of Kahlil Gibran’s famous quote repeated across the world by speakers and writers : Your Children are not your Children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself. .. they  come through you, but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. You may give them your love but not your thoughts…..

If we see children as life’s continuum happening through us for a noble cause, we would treat our children differently than if we considered it as our own property.

Family,the basic unit

Family is the basic unit in society- our first friend, supporters, teachers and philosophers are all our parents. Happy families are built on the foundation of happy marriages based on unconditional love, understanding and mutual trust.  If the husband is seen constantly ridiculing or critcising his wife in front of their children, it will have negative impact on them.

The purpose of elaborate arrangements for marriage in Churches in Christian, Muslim marriages, or solemnized by the community in the case of Hindus, is to instill the importance of marriage and how to keep the relationship divine among the couples. It is through their union, new offsprings are born and subsequently inherit their wealth and wisdom.

Even while respecting the sermons in Churches or differing views religion may have on marriages. I personally think the modern paradigm of an equal partner relationship in marriage would be more appropriate. If couples are aware of their equal roles in all aspects related to marriage including children, finances, savings, managing household matters, it would put equal responsibility on both the partners to make the relationship work.

Happy families in turn lead to happy children and who go on to become responsible citizens.

(The author, an award winning media professional, is happily married to Aswathy, a pharmacist turned Zumba fitness professional and they have two kids-Darshan  (16) and Diyah (7))

Sin and Salvation- putting good living in perspective

Recently, I had the good fortune to see a drama titled Heaven’ Gates and Hell’s Flames in Kochi directed by an audio-visual professional, Simplicio from Goa and ably assisted by Francesco. About 40 amateur artists from various walk of life participated.

Set amidst the backdrop of Christmas celebrations that recall the birth of Jesus Christ, in simple terms the theme pitted sinning against against doing good deeds and with remembrance of Lord Jesus. Whether it is youngsters indulging in drugs and intoxication, a rich businessman involved in Church activities but not a believer and indulging in sinful or illegal activities, all are destined to flames of Hell while a construction worker indulging in drinking and not looking after his large family suddenly changes his mind and puts full faith in the Lord just before his death in a building crash but the gates of heaven are opened to him.

The underlying theme was to lead a good life serving God and thereby open your pathway to Heaven while the sinners and non-believers are destined to the devils guarding the Hell’s Gates.

There are many interpretations on what constitutes a sin according to various religions.  International Society for Krisna Consciousness (ISKON) puts faith in Krishna or the Supreme as the path to perfection and to be reborn at a higher consciousness level. In ISKON’s teachings, it is said you can eat, drink, enjoy so long as you are fully devoted to Lord Krishna and chant the mantras. What I could understand was that devotion to God mattered irrespective of whether you commit vice or lead a good life.

What is a Sin?

The original sin is Adam and Eve eating the forbidden fruit. There are several sins that could immediately come to mind stealing, adultery, bribing, telling lies, murder, rape, defamation…. Lord Jesus welcomed sinners in his fold and ushered in peace for the suffering and oppressed. India’s first Prime Minister Jawaharlal Nehru was worried that our jails were dumping yards for criminals but no effort was made to reform them.

Oscar Wilde became controversial in his statements in The Picture of Dorian Gray about sins and temptations. “Every impulse that we strive to strangle broods in the mind and poisons us. The body sins once, and has done with its sin, for action is a mode of purification. Nothing remains then but the recollection of a pleasure or the luxury of a regret. The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. Resist it and your soul grows sick with longing for the things it has forbidden to itself, with desire for what its monstrous laws have made monstrous and unlawful. It has been said that the great events of the world take place in the brain. It is in the brain,and the brain only, that the great sins of the world take place also.”

Not giving respect is not a desirable behavior, so is gratefulness a desirable trait in humans. I believe the idea that sinners will be sent to Hell was just to make every one lead a good life. Or if the theory of transmigration of the soul is to be put in proper context, the thoughts we carry in this iife will be carried over to the next and it becomes the ‘ vasana’ for the body into which it comes back to life again. We have heard of several thieves and murderers turning to preaching or involving in social or charitable activities after serving their jail sentence.

Religion & Government or Judiciary- and their attitude to sins
Religions have stressed the single minded devotion to Lord as the way to salvation and sinners attain salvation when they surrender themselves to God. The Government and Judiciary sees activities as lawful and unlawful and deliver verdicts.

The religious scriptures enlighten us to lead a spiritual life free of guilt, shame, anger, pride and several negative emotions that lead us perhaps to the sins mentioned earier. At a psycho-analysis level more people should move to “ Iam Ok, You are Ok” position in life if they are to respect, love and have sympathy and empathy for fellow beings.

India has by and large been tolerant of religions although it has not created one itself as Hinduism cannot be considered a religion but a way of life. As Sreenarayana Guru, the social reformer of the South indian State of Kerala remarked- We don’t have any relation with any religion. We have not created a religion although we have set up temples as per the wishes of some people. Likewise we are happy to help with such requests if they come from Muslims and Christians. We have left behind caste and religion.

Women and Sex remain the best sellers ever

Recently, accusations were made against senior political leaders in the South Indian state of Kerala of having received sexual favours in turn for granting solar projects. It included the Chief Minister Oomen Chandy, ministers Shibu Baby John, AP Anil Kumar and  legislator Haibi Eden. Saritha S Nair who is at the heart of the controversy denied the allegations made by her former business partner Biju Radhakrishnan before the Solar Panel investigating into the scam that rocked Kerala.

Kiss of Love
The couples who created a storm last year with the Kiss of Love campaign asserting their right to kiss in public and protest against moral policing have now been arrested for child sex trafficking and an online sex racket. Resmi S Nair, a model pointed out that after the fallout of the Kiss of Love campaign, she was being used by her husband to indulge in various sex rackets.

Sex & Women sell
Naturally, enough  the social media, whatsapp, electronic and print media immediately carry and share such stories with prominence because ultimately se and women sell better. In this backdrop, I saw a sensible post from Manu Kappan, my friend, in Face Book.

Here I quote Manu :

Kiss of Love, Prostitution and Moral Policing
Kiss of Love : 10 participants and 1 million spectators and I belong to neither and I can’t be bothered.

Prostituition : Its the oldest profession in the world and will exist as long as the world does. As long as the parties involved are consenting adults, none of my business.

Moral Policing : To put it crudely “morality flows out when someone is not getting it” or simply its a case of sour grapes. When I read the comments of certain people on social media, the only things I can see are sexual depravation and cultural poverty. For them women can never be persons with mind and emotions, but only body parts. The main reason for this cultural poverty is that they lived in a segregated society and only leered at women from a distance. The only thing I want to tell you people is that the minds of the younger generation who grow up mingling with each other are nowhere as dirty as yours.

I agree with some of the observations of Manu but not all. That concerns prostitution and position women occupy in Indian society. I have read the autobiography of some eminent men like distinguished diplomat KPS Menon who himself admits to having gone before marriage for one such adventure to get a feel of it.  I can’t understand how someone can be put to such hardship either because men and even boys need to get a taste of sex first before marriage or want to have a different feel  sharing bed with their wives . It is hard to believe that these women chose the profession willingly. Or is the society thinking how painful or drudgery it could be to undress before several men in their lives without a feeling of love?

And despite the huge market for prostitutes women and girls who lead normal lives are also targeted and Nirbhaya of Delhi, ‘Suryanelli’ girl in Kerala who continue to be harassed but non-sexually are all grim reminders of this.

The other day, I was discussing with a friend- Indian cannot improve if it refuses to change its attitude to women. We have a national pledge that says  India is our country. All Indians are my brothers and sisters. And After all a boy or a girl, all come from a women’s womb, conceived taken care and delivered with much pain and risk. Anthropologically, speaking human child birth appears more riskier than others in the animal kingdom because our bi-pedal posture. Hence we should be grateful we were born in the first place. How come that we are not able to make our girls bold, get boys to respect them and acknowledge that they too should be granted liberty just as men?

Sex should be seen as an intimate, consensual affair between two closely known people and which should not be discussed with others. However, when there is an element of force is involved and against the wishes of the woman- that’s when the law has to intervene. However, men are still free to rape their wives, as per a recent court order!

Here is my wish list with respect to women & sex
Decades ago I remmber Sunday magazine carrying a cover story on sex starved Indians. However, with economic growth and perhaps the influence of media, men-women relations have become more liberal & a bit permissive. However, the society continues to grapple with the man-women relationship issue and how it should be defined.

In this backdrop, here is my wishlist on how our attitude to women, girls and sex in general can be changed:

1) People should stop discussing about sex openly or giving undue importance for it in the media.
2) Boys need to be taught at a young age to respect girls and women. They are not objects to be pounced upon,  nudged, beaten or harassed.
3) An effort has to be made to reduce and do away with prostitution. It’s true that many women and girls who were rescued tend to return may be because their minds have become empty enough to think about any other worthwhile profession.
4) Those using social media should ensure that they don’t share or spread pictures, stories that demean women.

(I have published this blog deliberately with out pictures as I don't to want to attract any reader attention based on the graphics or pictures)

Ultimate Whatsappian Guide for everyday living!

By Sreekumar Raghavan

At the time of writing this several millions became Whatsappians, some said holiday to it and was back but still others not knowing how to fruitfully utilize this mixed blessing.

Whatsapp is indeed a user-friendly social communication tool to be engaged in groups, one-to-one communications and even broadcast messages to a wider group which an ordinary phone cannot provide.

If it is consuming too much of your time, then the following tips may help you:

@Keep Limits on Whatsapp Use: Whatsapp is live 24 hours of the day, but that doesn’t mean you have to keep it on most of the time. Work hours, time with family, reading hours, serious TV watching can be hampered if Whatsapp is on.  Dip into Whatsapp at leisurely hours and if possible keep its usage to 1 or 2 hours a day.

@Avoid Whatsapp use when small children are around: Children often complain about excessive use of Whatsapp by parents and unable to get the attention they need. It would be better to avoid or restrict use of Whatsapp when your children are around.

@Keep Group notifications muted: It is natural that you could be part of several Whatsapp groups which constantly engage in conversations and sharing of pictures, video. It is better to keep group notifications ‘off’ and read the notifications or comment when you have time for it.

@Diversion technique: if you feel like opening your Whatsapp, divert your attention to something else that requires some effort- for example, reading, re-arranging books, clothes, cleaning the room,  playing with your children.

@Leave Groups that are irrelevant for you: At some point of time being part of a group may have been relevant. But if you have left the organization or the club, you can very well exit from the group and save the misery of getting useless updates from them.

@Keep conversations private: Be careful not to post personal messages in groups and messages meant for one group in another. This happens when you are stressed out due to too much Whatsapp and FB exposure.

@Inform Whatsappians about your holidays: if you are taking leave Whatsapp for a while, inform fellow Whatsappians so that they will SMS or call you in case of urgency or emergency.

@Whatsapp @work. Some companies now create Whatsapp groups for people with in the same department or holding similar functions. It is better for the group admin to evolve rules on what ought to be communicated or shared and how frequently one should look for updates and respond.  If a particular message is addressed to you or related to the work you are doing, you need to respond  as early as possible.

@Report Abuse: It is not uncommon for women to get threatening, abusive messages on Whatsapp  from people they may not be very familiar with. It is better to block such people in your mobile or  report abusive behaviour to Police and get the issue redressed. It is better to keep your profile  pictures and other information accessible only to your friends and not to public.

@Double Tick no response: Some times you find a double tick for your Whatsapp message but your

  friend hasn't read it. It doesn't mean you are being ignored, it may be because they are busy or

  travelling and not able to access Whatsapp properly. If it's an urgent message call them up and ask

 whether they have seen the message.

@General Rules: Don’t share credit card, bank account details or personal details in groups as  security could be compromised.

Reunion and the life travelogue!

By Sreekumar Raghavan

Life is short and school years are even shorter in the overall journey of life. Many cherish the school memories more as it was our first opportunity to socialize, be released from the comforts of home and parents.

Getting back to much quoted Robert Frost. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, some of us were mere followers, some took the road less travelled and what difference does that make? Life is not a laboratory, sometimes crisis emerges at point blank range, decide now or never.

There was this friend who lost his parents at a young age, gets married to a rich family, makes plenty of money dispensing medicine, ultimately turns to his age-old passion –music. His melody resonates in YouTube, and wherever he goes.  Song is his expression of life.

When Aryans of 1985 reunited on Aug 22, 2015 in Trivandrum
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We lost a dear friend who possibly drowned his worries in liquor. Society has no obligation to save anyone unless they are willing to. Life is also about encountering distractions- and how not to get lured.

 I met another who walked out of a relationship thinking it wouldn’t work. Is he happy being alone? Still a few didn’t reach anywhere. Many took the road more frequented- studied, got a job, married…had children…and more predictable things to happen.

How do you assess success and failure in life? Is it money, riches, fame, popularity, having children, their career success? Or is it having good relationships? Success is based on going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm-Churchill.

The reunions are a message- the real value is in relationships, relating with one another and sharing. One kid was seen light heartedly lamenting on Whatsapp taking away her mother’s time. Technology is a binding factor but also a distracting one!

Looking back on a lonely ride back in a train, I wondered where am I in the overall scheme of things- successful, famous, happy, rich, wealthy…? May be I have a bite of everything but the best way to forget this is all is to keep working! Life is not a bed of roses, neither is it full of thorns.

Bollywood Dance: Healthy mix of music, dance and fitness!

By Sreekumar Raghavan

What draws huge crowds to theatres showing bollywood films across the world? It is an intelligent mixture of drama, love, songs, action, climax, superstars, sex and above all some good dance sequences influenced by the western and eastern styles.

Anupama Thampy, accomplished dnacer & trainer at Beats 'n' Steps________________________________________________________

For the same reason, bollywood dance is now being enjoyed by a large number of youngsters who want a change from the typical classical numbers or the liberal western styles.


According to Anupama Thampy, an accomplished classical and bollywood dancer, instructor at Beats ‘n’ Steps, a dance-fitness studio in South Kalamassery, Kochi, there are several reasons why Bollywood dance is appealing for the youth:

1)It’s a fusion of classical, semi classical, Indian folk, belly dance, hip hop, jazz and accompanying music is both eastern and contemporary

2)It’s so easy to learn for beginners

3) It’s fun and laughter
4) Choreographer controls the theme and mood of the song- it could be classical, semi-classical, western , fusion, traditional or sexy
5)It’s a great stress reliever due to the fun and entertainment involved in the songs and music

6)It burns calories faster and is ideal for body toning

7) Ideal for stage programmes too



Evolution of Bollywood dance

Anupama Thampy, equally at ease with contemporary, classical and bollywood!

Bollywood dancers can be at ease in both traditional saris and western wear
______________________________________________________________

Bollywood dance has evolved over the years since it became popular in movies in the 1950’s and 60’s with classical and semi-classical themes. The cabaret style shot into mainstream in the seventies and thereafter the free style dance became popular with actors such as Govinda developing their signature style.

No wonder, successful actors in Bollywood needed to be good dancers too.
So what’s stopping you, put on your dancing shoes and shed all your inhibitions. Listen to the music and what was the most recent hit movie: ABCD (Any Body Can Dance)!

Bharatanatyam for art, fitness and appealing to menfolk as well

 By Sreekumar Raghavan

What comes to your mind when you hear Bharatanatyam- classical, traditional, artistic? It may be true that not many know the fitness and wellness dimensions of this ancient dance form.

Bharatanatyam originated more than 2000 years ago in Tamil Nadu and was originally performed by dasis (maid servants) in temples and  it was known as Dasiyattam. It was in the 1930’s the legendary Balasaraswati, a Devadasi was invited to perform on stage before an elite educated class. Rukmani Devi became the first of the educated elite to learn Bharatanatyam under the guidance of Balasaraswati.



Anupama Thampy, Accomplished dancer, trainer at Beats 'n' Steps
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Art of Bharatanatyam
There could be no other versatile dance form as Bharatanatyam. Bha denotes Bhava (emotion), ra denotes raga or music and ta means tala or rhythm and natyam means dance. Apart from bringing out the artist in you, Bharatanatyam is also capable of helping you maintain your body shape, health and vitality, says Anupama Thampy, accomplished stage performer and dance guru at Beats ‘n’ Steps, a dance fitness studio based in South Kalamassery, Kochi.

According to renowned dancer Anjali Nandan, learning Bharatanatyam and classical dance forms are very important to understand the essence of dance.

Bharatanatyam: The Fitness, wellness dimension
Bharatanatyam is capable of improving your fitness, concentration, memory power, weight maintenance, beauty and overall wellness.

It helps achieve overall balance, boosts memory power through remembering of steps, mudras, hastas and Karnas. Regular practice of Bharatanatyam will have the combined effect of doing aerobics, floor and stretching excercises and yoga. It’s good for a healthy heart as the feel good factor boosts blood circulation and keeps your skin toned and young.



Anupama Thampy, performing Bharatatatyam at Changampuzha Park in Kochi in 2014_________________________________________________________

Dances are proven to be useful for right-left brain co-ordination and hence helpful for children to do better in studies and improve their intelligence.

Bharatanatyam for menfolk
If you thought Bharatanatyam and Indian classical dances are a woman’s domain, you are mistaken. At the recent  Monsoon Festival of Dance on July 16-17 at New Delhi, four male artistes of Bharatanatyam proved how they too can make a mark.

"It is a misconception that classical dance is meant only for women and is effeminate. Indian classical dance is suitable not only for the female body, but for everyone," says S Vijay Kumar, an exponent of the classical tradition from Tamil Nadu.

And the best time to start learning Bharatanatyam no doubt is at a young age, preferably 7-8. So get your kids to put on the anklets and learn the first steps towards mastering this classical wonder.