Problem parents create Problem children

A 5-year old girl tells her grandmother people marry to quarrel and fight. Shocked, the grandma calls up her daughter to check whether they fight in front of the children.

Playschool and KG teachers I've interacted with have told me several instances of bad behavior in children that can be attributed to unhappiness prevailing at home.

Dr A Nirmala, a leading child psychologist, in whose Shantiniketan School, my son Darshan had his early education, often said they sometimes got children at age 3 and above in a spoilt condition and faced an uphill task setting them right.

When I first became a parent I was apprehensive of living up to the role. My fears led to me read several books on child psychology and parenting.

Early childhood experiences can turn out to be bad or good depending on how each child perceives the problem later on and how parents, teachers, relatives and friends respond to it.

I was myself a subject of ridicule in early school days for my clumsy looks and below average academics compared to my intelligent brother. In Transactional Analysis terms, the Child in me was only having unedited feelings associated with " I am not Ok" for a long time. But I was able to overcome this without any professional help. May be it was the English language teachers who spotted my potential to write and some friends at college who saw my skills suited for the media industry that helped overcome the crisis.

Dr Sunita, a leading child psychiatrist who held a session at Diyah's Rajagiri Kindergarten emphasised the need for a good family atmosphere for the balanced development of a child. She said that atleast for dinner, all family members should sit together and share the day's concerns and feelings.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorders (ADHD) , lack of concentration, poor interpersonal skills, bullying, stealing, several other childhood problems can be traced to excessive viewing of TV by parents, lack of intimacy between parents, quarrel some atmosphere at home, and lack of quality time parents give to children.

In these days of double income-1-2 kids families, parents are under pressure to advance their careers that they sometimes fail to give quality time to their children. So I was really happy to learn about Manu Kappan and Amrita who left high paying jobs in UK to give quality time for their daughter Rose, a friend of our daughter Diyah.

Diyah is herself struggling to overcome the trauma of 3-month separation from us when she was just one and a half years old as my wife was busy with her pharmacy business and we had to sent her to her mother's place seeing her only once or twice a week.

Even now when Diyah insists we should be with her where ever she goes and Aswathy gets irritated- I've a hard time convincing her it is not Diyah's fault but the unedited recordings in her Child that gives a feeling of fear, insecurity and inadequacy that plays again and again, needing positive strokes from time to time from us.

I don't know whether I am right in treating my children as friends but always with them as a guide. But will it rob them of the do's and don'ts that are staple recording in our Parent? (In every day psychological realm, it is the Super Ego).

I am no doubt indebted to Mr Hari Kartha (Amritha TV), renowned journalist,my first mentor and guide in the competitive media world, for an important parental lesson. His father was also a well-known journalist. Seeing a framed photo of his father in his home, I asked him how far was he an influence in selecting Journalism as a career. Hari said his father had only warned: "Never Son, never into Journalism." Then what was his contribution to you as a person? Hari said he did not inherit money or wealth from his father but only a set of good values to live by.

This conversation took place even before I had thought of marriage. But every time I spend time with my children, I get reminded of the importance of values. That's the most inexpensive gift you can give your children that can help them sail over the viccissitudes of life.

A long time skeptic now sees Enlightenment in Marriage!

Since early childhood I have been attending wedding functions and witnessing the formation of new families. However, my search for a fuller understandng on why mankind needs marriage is perhaps reaching fruition now.

My mother used to say marriage brings discipline and purpose to life. My first guide and mentor in the media world, Mr Hari Kartha, always reminded me of the four stages of life mentioned in our scriptures- childhood, teenage, youth and old age. A youth needs to marry and lead a settled life with wife and children before renouncing all this and seek salvation.

According to Swami Sukha Bodhananda enlightenment should be our intention in life. "Even marriage ultimately leads to enlightenment. Before getting married you lived for yourself. The moment you married 'I' in you has to be divided into two. If you continue with only the 'I', your wife will finish you. The 'I' in you gets expanded to include the two of you or else you would become self-centered. From the Union of two you get children."

So one thing is very important in marriage: the dilution of ego. I have already stated in my first blog post on marriage that love is the foundation on which a successful marriage can be built.

In order for love to flow, ego is a hindrance. So first we need to start shedding it.

As Bhagawan Rajneesh said when a boy or a girl meet, there is a point where each of them feel the love towards each other and forget themselves temporarily may for seconds or minutes-that is Truth or a samadhi state. But once you come out of it, you fall in the realm of Reality. What next: should we remain lovers or think of marriage. Will our parents accept the relationship and related issues of caste, wealth, religion all crop up-- the truth is lost and reality sets in. According to Rajneesh, Reality is Truth interpreted. (This is the best possible definition of Truth and Reality I have stumbled upon in my readings).

I remember our high school NCERT text book on biology which had a chapter on reproduction. It said a marriage was not about sexual attraction, kissing, inter-course, child birth, but lot of subtle family, cultural, ethical, societal factors come into play to make it a success.

How many of us rush into marriage not knowing what is the purpose behind it, what is the goal, what are the foundations required to make it a success.Therein lies the crux of the problem we see in marriages.

I was seeking an answer to all these in the past 40 years and it was only a casual reading of Shiva Mantras by Swami Sukhabodhananda (thanks to KrishnaMani Ma'm of KrishnaJyothi Group) that skepticism about marriage has now started vanishing. If someone had told this to me 17 years ago, what miracle would have happened to my family life?

Little things that can make or mar a marriage relationship!

I have always curiously observed couples quarrel for reasons most often trivial to  mild and end up not speaking to each other days. This defies logic but after all marriage itself is most of the time devoid of it.

This is the third in the series on my outlook on marriage and how difficult it is make it a success. As someone who never believed in marriage as an institution, my continuing observations about family life from different angles : one, as a family man, second, as an observer and thirdly as how others see it , will be shared with readers.

I think in one of Tolstoys's books it is mentioned that in quarrelling truth is always lost. However, quarrels are part of every day life- the trick lies in managing them.

Here are few of the little things that work against a good relationship developing between couples:

Tit-for-Tat: It is a human tendency to pay in the same coin. This happens with couples too-- if the husband fails to give due respect and properly take care of a wife's in-laws or relatives, wife retaliates the same way. Or if the husband was expected at a house for a particular function of  his spouse's relative but didn't turn up, the wife may retaliate by refusing to attend a function of a husband's relative or friend. This revengeful attitude doesn't often improve relationships but only worsens it.

Politicking: When it involves two families of husband and wife, politicking is inevitable. Whatever, husband's family does or a particular person does may be dubbed by the wife as unacceptable and vice-versa. Sometimes, when husband-wife are not in good terms, a good suggestion or idea that comes from either of them don't get accepted mutually and hence progress in the relationship gets increasingly difficult. I have seen good friends whose families knew each other well, getting married but ultimately ending up playing petty politics refusing to do anything to help their 'inlaws'  or understand them. Even their earlier 'aunty' - uncle relationship itself gets strained.

When In-laws become Outlaws: When you marry each spouse ends up with a set of in-laws- father-in-law, mother-in-law their brothers, sisters, and friends. Most often how each spouse treats their respective inlaws can make or mar a relationship. I have seen wives who refuse to go and stay in their in-laws house and vice-versa but it is possible that in-laws could themselves be a reason for that. Their undue interference in the marriage, stoking fire to a strained relationship rather than healing them. When a marriage runs into trouble, it is natural for wife's parents to justify her behaviour while husband's parents stand by him. This can just kill any opportunity to build bridges between the two families.

Many working couples are forced to seek the help of their parents to look after children due to difficulty in getting good maid servants. But this can create lot of strife as there could be clash on parent's traditional way of bringing up children and the more forward looking approach of their children. Interference in day-to-day life by the inlaws can create such a hell, that I've seen some of them being 'out-lawed' and sent back home.

Opening Old wounds: In a relationship, it is possible that a husband might have behaved or done something bad to his wife, their relatives and vice versa. Sometimes they settle it and continue as if nothing has happened. But when trouble erupts, they replay'historic' events once again much to the dismay of each of the partners. "Didn't you do this to me 5 years ago, you have always been like this, hurting me, belittling me in front of others." Now the trouble is apart from the new cause that created the new tension, one of the partners poked the other recalling the forgotten incident. It is like pouring oil over burning fire.

Blame Game: When a relationship runs into trouble, wife creates arguments justifying her stand, how she has been a victim all these years in the hands of this cruel husband and his family! While the husband accusses her of cleverly stating facts to win sympathy and line up popular discontent against him. Even when they sit before a counsellor, wife would be happy if the counsellor speaks in support of her. The moment the counsellor puts a set of suggestions for her to change, she gets upset. The same can happen in the case of husband also. In the end both come out of the consulting room unanimously blaming the psychologist as useless and good for nothing. Even as they unite in blaming the counsellor their mutual blame game against each other continues.

KidShare: The traditional mindset of the society was that a lion's share of brining up children should rest with the wife-- who looks after the physical, emotional, academic needs of children. Husband's role was limited to earning for the family, taking them out occassionaly, playing with children and scold or whack them when required. For the children should have a fear of parental authority. However, 'new age' parenting requires husband also to a play an active role in bringing up children so that they see in him as a role model. I think not many men are yet to accept this new role being caught in the traditional mindset. This again can cause tensions if the wife has seen a father in their circle taking an active role in bringing up children.

Independence: Spouses often quarrel about loss of independence in marriage. This is quite inevitable but what they are hinting at is the desire for each of them to pursue their interests and maintain former friendships. For eg. if the husband is a former cricket player and has lot of friends in those circle, he may want to take time off from the family to pursue his old interests but that can cause strife if wife feels that is coming in the way of their closeness in family. I have seen many people say marriage hasn't destroyed my independence: I still go to movies, meet friends, have an occassional drink with old friends. But most often marriage is a destroyer of independence.

Transparent: How much transparency should be kept in a relationship? What all things a partner should hide regarding his college or school life or just about anything. A husband who tells everything about a former lover at college could feel himself transparent and appear as honest before his wife. But it is possible that if he continues to be in touch with the former lover, wife could start suspecting. Lack of transparency can hurt, if either partner finds out something that was kept a secret.

PH-PW Syndrome: Possessive Husband- Possessive Wife. Possessiveness in partners- I would say it's real hell for both of them. Undue Possessiveness could be attributed to some insecure feelings that have been recorded in their childhood days and played again and again in life (Transactional Analysis : Eric Berne, Dr Thomas Hardy). They not only fear loss of partners but also friends and children. Extreme possessiveness can be seen in a mother who dislikes others interacting more with their children. If husband is average looking,with low self esteem, and wife very pretty, husband could be extremely possessive. I have heard of such husbands locking up their wives while going out from home or refusing to take them out fearing other people would be attracted to her.

Quarrel: I have seen couples quarrelling in the open and they seem to delighting in it. There is a golden rule: In quarreling, the truth is often lost.  and sometimes, the hangover of a bad quarrel can last for weeks and months.

Tailpiece: Victims: In any strained marriage, the unfortunate victims are children. I will deal with it in my subsequent columns on this issue. Meanwhile, wishing all couples happiness and joy!!!

Couples: Matching personality types may be the way to success in marriage

If you are tired of hearing the same solutions for a marriage that is going through difficult times: adjust, compromise and understand each other, I won't blame you.

For couples who are unwilling to shed their egos, it makes little sense to try these strategies. Haven't you heard, the ideal marriage would be between a deaf husband and a blind wife or something like that.

It is believed that no two individuals are alike and God made it that way. There are even differences between brothers and sisters, twin brothers and sisters born to the same parents. So how do you fit two people born and brought up in different families, socio-economic mileau or sometimes from different castes and religion to work out in real life?
I think we need to analyse the personality types to look for the right fit to happen in a marriage relationship.

1)Hardcore conventional

2)Modern

3)Eccentric

4)Perverted

Now let's find out the attributes of a hardcore conventional husband and wife:

1 a)Hardcore conventional husband: He is brought up on traditional family values and a stickler for rules and regulations. His personality expressed in Transactional analysis (Parent-Adult-Child) would be dominated by the Parent. Since his parent is dominating-he will hold onto moral values and his commandments will be do this, do that and not an inch more. He may believe in wife being subservient in all respects, also expect the wife to be 100% traditional in looks, beliefs and attitude. He may place his own family members above any one else and expect his wife and children to be like them and respect them. He may hold only coventional jobs, not a risk taker, not adventurous or romantic. He would like his wife to wash and iron his clothes,look after children, prepare food and serve them, keep the house clean. His job would be to go to office on time, return and enjoy reading a newspaper, book or simply watch TV. He may occasionaly take the family out for a film, shopping or weekend outing but again with pre-determined itinery.He may be a strict father to his children and believes in keeping family members in their proper places not giving undue freedom. In making purchases or planning something, he will still hold the upper hand although he may consult wife and children just for namesake. The conventional husband is conventional even in dressing-- he may not even wear a T-shirt or allow modern dresses to be worn by wife and children. He is likely to be a teetotler and a non-smoker.

1 b)Hardcore Conventional Wife: Like the hardcore conventional husband, the typical wife was also brought up on traditional values. No matter what you learn or achieve, you are going to end up in your husband's house obeying whatever they say. She will always remain a shadow of her husband and even if educated may not like to go for a job or because her husband's family doesn't like it. She willingly becomes part of the household and strive hard to be a good wife, mother, daughter-in-law and possibly not voice her thoughts and views for fear of being rejected or ridiculed. In transactional analysis (PAC), her Adult position may be weak and her Child was constantly directed to obey rather than question. He may not have any hobbies or interests and not likely to pursue them as she gets little time. She is expected to wear conventional dresses, hair style and make up, and obediently accompanying husband in social functions and events. Most often her role would be restricted to smiling, or saying "is it." However, in woman's company, these types may indulge in their favourite gossips to vent out their stress. After giving birth to children, they are not likely to be bothered about looks and end up rotound at the age of 40.

2 a)Modern Husband: He may have been born to parents having a modern outlook or acquired it while at college and subsequently on the job. A typical modern would have looks, manners, dressing and even attitude that reflect a global outlook. He may be member of more than a few clubs, play tennis or golf. He is most likely to be a  professional in a large company or running his own business. His choice of books, music, attire and friends would reflect his modern image.Most likely to opt for an automobile even if it is beyond his immediate means but ensure that his status is maintained.It is not unlikely that he will land into financial troubles but still have a way out. His travel would criss-cross the continents of the world and would most likely have an iPad, Iphone, Mac PC and other gadgets. His children would most probably follow his traits. He would be comfortable in bermudas in the evenings. He is likely to treat children as friends and help them share their concerns at any level.

 2b) Modern Wife: Like the modern husband may have been born to parents in the upper middle class income group and High Networth Individuals category. Or they may have acquired it at college and afterwards. This would be reflected in their dressing, manners, hairstyle, attitudes and beliefs, the company they keep. They will most probably be part of some ladies clubs and can often be seen in boutiques and fitness centres. They may have a professional job or run their own business independent of husband. They ride their own car and two wheeler and would most probably have independent views-- as opposed to their parents, husbands and friends. In Transactional Analysis their Adult and Child could be more activated- they are likely to be creative and innovative in business and work. Likely to see children as friends just as the dad does.

3 a) Eccentric Husband: An eccentric husband is most likely to be highly educated but hold beliefs or act in a manner which are often considered uncoventional. They may read a novel while walking on the road. They could be very creative types but dropped out of college and wear uncoventional dresses. The extreme eccentric case is that of Albert Einstein who picked up cigarette butts off the street to get tobacco for his pipe. An eccentric could avoid social gatherings and rather have a drink alone at a pub. They may read a book at the top of a tree. They would be least bothered about children and their studies but still share some fine moments with them from time to time.

"Eccentricity is often associated with genius, intellectual giftedness, or creativity. People may perceive the individual's eccentric behavior as the outward expression of their unique intelligence or creative impulse.[1] In this vein, the eccentric's habits are incomprehensible not because they are illogical or the result of madness, but because they stem from a mind so original that it cannot be conformed to societal norm" (WikiPedia)
As society sees lot of unconventional in them, they are also likely to be branded a bit mad but that is not so. Novelist Orhan Pamuk said on his eccentricity : In the mornings I used to say goodbye to my wife like someone going to work, I'd leave the house, walk around a few blocks, and come back like a person arriving at the office.

3 b) Eccentric Wife: Eccentric women have been found in the realm of arts, theatre, show business but we are not aware of eccentric women among middle class or upper middle class but such creative types are most likely to live alone but still making a lot of money from their profession. They need not necessarily come from an eccentric lineage but may have acquired it at some point in their life.

4 a) Perverted Man would see pervsion in almost anything-- a well dressed woman, a beautiful child. According to Wikipedia, perversion is a type of human behavior that deviates from that which is understood to be orthodox or normal.

It is not just related to sexuality alone but to a whole host of behavior that could have impact on social life. A perversion could be a hatred for anything produced by a foreign company. A pervision could be seeing ulterior motives in a boy and girl talking or walking together. Lot of such examples can be made out which applies to a perverted man and woman.

So what types fit in marriage 

For Sure: 1a and b: Traditional vs traditional which is not likely to run into trouble but life would still be routine and without excitement.
For sure: 2a and b: A modern can't be pitted against a traditonal-there could be clashes but among modern couples differences still can crop up that needs deft handling
For Sure: Eccentric vs Eccentric is likely to succeed as both are likely to be responsive to the other. But Eccentric may not match with the modern or the traditonal.Best eg of an eccentric: Myself telling synopsis of what I have read from philosophy, religion or psychology books to put my wife Aswathy to sleep. She likes it too-- says my sound is soothing, a sleeping pill!. Or somebody like me who doesn't like his wife to serve food but keep it where it is or find happiness in her teasing me..

Unsure: Perverted people could cause havoc every where and they can't be pitted against anyone.

Aberrations: It is possible that some people may be modern when it comes to dress but traditonal when it comes to thoughts and beliefs. Similarly, there are people are traditional in looks but whose thought could be progressive or modern. It is also possible that a traditional persona can have a bit of eccentricity, so also the modern.

No more secrets to a successful marriage!

Since childhood I  never believed in marriage and held on to it even at the time of my marriage in 1997 at the age of 27.  I hadn't observed any happy marriages although divorce rates were !esser at that time.

Socrates said by all means marry, if you are successful you are happy or you become a philosopher.

Sadly,looking around I don't find happy families although they appear to be so nor do I see a swelling of philosophers!

Instead you have couples in distress, groping in the dark,not knowing why they are not happy. Still others hold on feeling grudge towards each other but also feeling trapped. They believe they made the wrong choice and keep blaming themselves.

Still others break up or live separately. There was a classic case of a couple who held on till the marriage of their children and immediately went for divorce soon after.

I went into marriage more out of pressure from my mother who was alone after my father's death  and persuasion from friends and well wishers.

I could not marry the girls I loved or liked or the girls who admired  me. But I always believed whether or not you marry the person you love there must be love to keep a relationship going after marriage.

It was with this hope I invited Aswathy Visweswaran into my life. I don't know what attracted her to me and back.

To be frank our initial years were a mixture of melancholy, a little fun and no romance. Our life resembled Aravindan's art movies of yesteryears where one character speaks the other responds after a long gap!!! Ups and downs in my journalistic career only added to our cash flow worries.

We were poles apart in many things- she's an extrovert, me an introvert. She likes travel, I like reading, she likes Hindi films, I prefer music, she likes dressing up for the occassion , I wore an unkempt look- only differences!!!!

Frustration reached such highs she simply threw away the chain with the Thali and we both abandoned our wedding ring  long back.

After the second year, our son Darshan came to our life and perhaps he was one reason that kept us together. A congenital hole in his heart constantly kept us on our toes. But we were determined to raise our child differently giving our quality time. Aswathy never stops telling others of the effort I took for our children so that they turn out to be creative and intelligent. May be it will help them do well in life.

So what saved our marriage? In bestseller US novel Redemption - a journalism professor enters into an extra marital affair with a beautiful student while his wife forgets herself for a day with her childhood lover but in the end realizes her true love is for her estranged husband. Extramarital relationships are no solution for a marriage in distress. Or blaming each other for our misery.  Neither did we fall into depression or take to pills, alcohol or try to end life.
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Aswathy persevered hard to make some subtle changes in me- like the value of surprises, gifts, making other feel the love rather than bottle it. I always wanted her to be a mix of boldness, beauty, practical wisdom and manage things on her own. In 2004 July when she said she wanted to start a pharmacy business rather than being employed as a pharmacist on low salary, I readily agreed.-provided all the support and encourage ment. That in no small measure boldened her personality and manage crisis situations better.

I also wanted her English skills to improve and wear Saree more. We celebrated the arrival of our cute Diyah 10 years after Darshan. She leased off her business to spend more time with Diyah and the whole family.

As we are about to celebrate our 17 years of togetherness in July, in our new abode "Mercury" in Kochi which again is a result of her labor; our success from near disaster happened just because of the foundation of love on which our relationship was built. There was never any love lost between us but may be it took time to flower and blossom.

Even now we quarrel at times but settle it as quickly as possible.

Zumba & KrishnaJyothi Group
Lot of the changes that could can now be seen in Aswathy was no doubt the Zumba (fitness/dance) sessions at The Floor run by Arunima Gupta and Maria Roy in Kochi. I have no words to thank them for the confidence they created in her. Not to forget the tremendous contribution of Krishna Jyothi group in Kochi  led by KrishnaMani Ma'm, the satsangs and family get togethers that ensured positive energy flow in our family.

Recently she stunned the world cutting her hair short and sporting a more trendy look. Many wondered- did it have my approval--100 percent yes. She donated 12 inches of her silky hair for a charitable cause to make natural hair wigs for cancer patients gone bald and got herself groomed by stylist Ambika  Pillai as a bonus. It was also widely covered with photos in a few newspapers. Now it's my turn to shed my unkempt looks.!!

I come back to the headline of this article: there are no secrets for a happy marriage. Remember you were born into love and that was the gift you received first from your mother. Why don't we shed our egos and misunderstanding and build happy families based on this God given 4-letter word?

Tailpiece: Recently, Aswathy told some friends and family members she would like Sreekumar to be her husband in next life too!  I wonder shouldn't both of us not give our former lovers and admirers a chance?